Flying Forever in The Deep Blue Sky

On Canoe STJ and bumming

2007-04-30T00:02:00.000+08:00

Man, STJ today went by too fast... we had food, drink, movies and fun, and though some notable characters weren't around, we still had a good time.

I found myself stuck in a predicament as i entered the room when the girls were playing mahjong... Don't take me as a pissed man, but it felt like i was thrown off tangent when they pointed out that she wasn't coming, in a matter-of-fact tone, as if i were still pursuing that lost cause. Yes, i've moved on and i'm not hankering after something i cannot have, things have turned out the way they have and i guess it's best left as that. So it's quite awkward in my circumstances when people start asking if i still feel disappointment and broken-ness over a chapter that has closed in my life. What can i say other than "Er... no la, i'm ok." Other words fail to form in my mind as an appropriate answer to that question which i'm still wondering, as i'm writing this, as to why it's still being asked after so long? Weird people.

Time to return to the usual bumming around doing work and training hard. No time, no money, no energy for anything else.

Posts should come from time to time with bigger gaps, don't feel the need to write so much anymore and too busy with other stuff to come online and blog. So, till the next post, cheers and good luck for your cca, academics, social affairs, blah blah blah.

Just a statement in my head.

2007-04-24T22:35:00.000+08:00

Just a statement floating around in my head:

I think i may have found another drive.

Just a thought, i guess. I'll give it more thought, but for now, it's still an unfinished thought.

Mug Mugger Muggest!

2007-04-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

They should place a sign outside of school saying: "Warning: do not enter unless thou wish to be mugged by muggers." Cause that's what we all are. School's putting more and more pressure now, and anyone who doesn't start preparing for the A's is gonna sorely regret it. With my immensely lousy grades, (i wish people would stop complaining about getting Cs...) and with or without the shelling i got from my parents the day before, i'm mugging for BT 2 alr. You better start now too.

Sigh, time's a precious resource that slips through your fingers like sand in an hourglass. And unfortunately, in between intensive mugging and training, i see little time to do anything else. Already by helping my team look for team jerseys, i've already overstepped the limits of what my time allows me to do, so i wonder if i have time to go out... on the other hand though, i bet everyone's as busy or even busier than me, so forget it.

At least i'm happy that my canoeing juniors haven't degraded to the level that the rest of the male J1 population have reached. If the seniors thought we were childish and unbecoming of a hwachong student, then the same could be said of the J1s. I don't doubt their academic prowess, but character-wise, they seem less masculine than they ought to be and often partake in seriously childish activities and stunts, sometimes to wow the girls. Geez, anyone would've thought being masculine and macho is dead and women prefer the feminine types, which is so... unorthodox. So much for male camaraderie, bonding, masculinity, and being male, strong and all that stuff. I try to restrain myself from acting on it and beating some sense into these people that they're seriously irritating in their antics and they should grow up and be like men. Or i could actually laugh and torture them in army when i'm their superior then, but this way is easier for them than later when they start realising that the country doesn't want idiots who don't have a strong arm. Ah, but i'm ranting too much, as i've just noticed.

Yay, canoeing STJ's next week, and there's vodka!!! Alright! I wonder if anyone can bring some gin or bacardi as well...

NJCC

2007-04-02T20:02:00.000+08:00

Heh, i just had the National Junior Canoeing Championships last weekend, and on the whole, although hwachong didn't get many medals, at least we did show our worth and i believe that we stand a very good chance at the national inter-sch in july. If you take out all the national team ppl and those that aren't in our age group, i think we stand in a very good position to break NJC's streak and get that trophy after a really desolate, 7 years of near-misses and public acceptance of NJC as the dominating school in canoeing.

The system in NJCC was screwed up, otherwise i would've gotten into the real finals instead of some consolation-prize-excuse of a B final. But well, our timings should say something about us in our absence there.

So now, it's back to more trainings, studying, and solving the main issues with the team, like, the identity, spirit, strength, attitude... I also need to scout for the team jersey and figure out when to hold the team gathering, to get to know the juniors and stuff like that.

Other stuff have been bothering me, but... kinda hard to explain. Nevermind.

hyperECSTASY

2007-03-25T21:40:00.000+08:00

It's been some time now... I think it's cos the last time was last year's nationals, so i haven't felt like this in a long time. Maybe recently playing basketball has rekindled that flame in me, so to speak. But anyway, yes, as the entry title suggests:

Hyper-ecstasy.

I decided to go for a run after mulling about it for awhile at home, in the meantime, i was gazing on lazily across the page of the 10 year series, thinking about how it's the last damned paper, and to heck with it, i've got a bloody competition coming up in the weekend, so if you're gonna force something down my throat, do it next week while i go earn some glory for you. Yes, i'm talking to you, the school which always decides to open up the term with blocks rather than ending terms with them. Yes, and i'm ranting again, thanks to my new-found energy.

Back to the subject matter, i ran. Pulled on my blue stanchart marathon adi singlet, nike armband pouch loaded with shuffle, socks on, shoes on, stretching... and i'm off. To where? Nowhere. Just keep moving, cos i've got nothing on my mind. Nothing... but pure ecstasy. For some unknown reason, i felt happy as i was running. I realised later, that it was probably cos of the music that i was listening to that psyched me up. The music's pumping in my ears, the beat of the music thumping to the same rhythm as that of my heart, and the resonance of frequencies as something clicked in my mind, absorbing the music as if it were pure energy. Couldn't stop myself from smiling throughout the whole run, and there were lapses of unadulterated euphoria, normally signalled by the onset of maniacal laughter and contortion of face into that of a madman's. And truly in my mind, i felt powerful, invincible, had endless energy... and well, a bit insane. But the sense of power, a surge, unleashed in the form of a body in motion. Euphoria. Ecstasy. I'm crazy, mad, insane, or whatever you call it, but i ran probably 8-9km in 35 mins. And i loved every single bit of it. It's what kept me going, pushed me, and as i've felt it before in unleashing it upon my opponents on the proving grounds that is macritchie last year during nationals... It's part of me, my source of energy, my dark side: i'm crazy and that's how i got my name. Crazy nick.

But well, don't worry, that's only reserved for canoeing and other related activities. I may be crazy and insane, but there's no reason not to be unsociable eh?

Bang bang boom, and there goes the door.

2007-03-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

Alright, party's over, back to work!

Too soon, too fast, and the whole thing's all over... no more angbaos, no more oranges, no more lo hei; that is, till the next year. It was a good year i suppose, and i have no gripes about it - i was able to get a lot of the stuff i wanted and patch up the budget deficiencies which i was suffering from previous to this, and yet still have some money to save and use on a rainy day, which i'm certain, will come along in increasing numbers soon in the future.

So well, what a better way to end the whole festival than with a bunch of fireworks and an extremely clear night sky, lit up by a solitary moon hanging tantalisingly within arm's reach, or so it appears to be. Met up with a friend, then met up with a bigger group of people, namely Eugene, Wayne, Tim, Wen Wei, Leon and lastly and (very) least, Su Yi. So it turned out to be a night of a lot of laughter, niaoing and retorts. Sigh, if only my sunday nights could all be like this.

Oh yeah, most memorable moment of that night: holding up my phone for 7 and a half minutes making a movie of the whole affair, then Leon mishears me and takes my phone rather than my bottle. -_-" Got arm cramp la, super painful, holding up my phone for 7 minutes in the same position without moving...

But anyway, here's the video for those of you who couldn't make it. Cheers!

Trauma and inspiration on wheels.

2007-03-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

Bus 66. Not a really good service to be on, as i realised today.

Saturday midday jams really suck, and apparently, this proves that even with PM Lee's "We shall have a 5 day work week so that our citizens may spend more quality time with their families" isn't quite working out. Cars and cars and more cars, all belonging to people working a half-day shift on saturday, all to be found taking a leisurely drive down dunearn road, either heading home or to orchard road... and all hogging the bloody road. Bah.

So there i was, on bus 66... and i even remembered the license plate no, for the very fact that i was traumatised and inspired, at the same time, so intensely, that i remembered such a small detail of my trip to Sim Lim Square. SBS 1774 U. Don't sit at the back left seat, some old guy sat there for the entire duration of the trip, and having sat near him, i must say, the experience wasn't very good. The trauma came in when i sat at the back and had clear vision of whatever he was doing. I'm very much persuaded to believe that he's a druggie or something like that, despite his age, cos of some device that looked remotely like something you would stick in your mouth. And it looked dirty. And he was spitting out phlegm constantly and stamping it into the floor everytime he did it. Yes, he did it more than once, if that's what you're wondering. And i had no choice but to observe his behaviour and unhygienic appearance for the entire duration of the trip because i was too polite not to say something or move to another seat. So yah, i just sat there, feeling repulsed and having a sense of claustrophobia creeping in constantly. No, not a very good feeling.

Yet at the same time, i had a moment of "brightening up my day" feeling. There was this indian couple sitting in front of me, and the lady was responsible for moving me to this seat, as she warned me about the unusual behaviour of the old guy who was sitting behind me in my initial seat. That made me feel good, i suppose, that someone of another race could show such care and concern for a guy of a different ethnicity. Now, that my friend, is the true Racial Harmony. But anyhow - back to my story, The couple in front of me had this conversation going on in indian, and while i'm obviously not anywhere proficient in tamil, i could tell that the guy was poking fun at his wife, resulting in her beating him playfully and him defending himself, also playfully. And so it resulted in a lot of laughter and loving tenderness and humourous moments, especially when they realised that i was observing them and laughing and smiling to myself as well. So there i was, looking on the whole affair, and thinking to myself, 'wow, what a loving couple. Love really is a beautiful thing...' And i guess in retrospect, i think time must've froze for a moment there, and my heart skipped a beat, and i had perfect clarity of vision. The "top of the world" feeling. The "butterflies in stomach" feeling. Their laughter and joy and love, it really felt as if it were all spilling over and overflowing and everyone around could just feel it, touch it, experience it... taking some of it and turning it into our own feelings, make it our laughter, our joy, our love. It felt as if it belonged to me too, and that i was a part of it... And i felt really happy, if not for just one fleeting moment in time, truly happy. And as they got off the bus, i found myself silently, in my heart, wishing them the best of luck, hoping that they would survive the trials and tribulations the world and time would throw on them and that they would continue to love each other as passionately as i had observed them doing so in that brief, but intensely genuine moment. Such is the power of love, and as it had inspired me today and on other occasions before, I hope it will go on to inspire other people out there as it had inspired me. I don't know if i will ever experience this anytime these next few years, but if i do, i would hold on to it and treasure it as much as i treasure the source of it.

And the doors open, and once again, i'm out in the real world.

Not for the faint of heart.

2007-02-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

As the title implies, this post is not for the faint-hearted. I shall delve into that in a moment's time though, because it's been some time since i've last blogged, and i want to talk abt some other stuff like cny... heheh.

So as i was saying, i'm supposed to be blogging about cny and other stuff... This year's cny has gotta be the most boring ever la. CNY celebrations in school was like, so last year, and it turned out to be the same year after year after year after year... So sian. So i decided to go pay my chinese high teachers a visit during celebrations as something different. And lo and behold, things have changed a lot during the time we all moved up from chinese high to JC. Deejaying no longer there, council's gone out of whack, the teachers are increasingly being repressed... Sigh, tis' a world far removed from memory. So let us quit this predicament and move on.

Back to JC in time for the end of street market -.-", started looking around for the "lost sheep" and waited for the fac dances to come on. Apollo had massive turnout, but it was poorly coordinated, more so than us, Athena had decent turnout and at least their dance could be danced right, Ares stole the show by adding in sound, and we danced last, with not much coordination either. It was all too rushed la, if u ask me. So Ares took the cake with the shouting thing and life goes on.

CNY... well, we all love the angbaos, and let's face it: that's the only thing that we actually put up with everything for. Ok la, i will follow tradition and give out angbaos later la, it's a fun tradition! And i'm generous, so there.

Anyhow, though the angbao takings wasn't as big as other people whom i know who are complaining of small angbaos when they receive 350 bucks in total, at least they're enough to support my need for a new bag and for the rest of the month with some savings for a possible pair of sunglasses in the future. Which reminds me.... bag shopping tomorrow!!! Woo hoo!

And after CNY... well, life goes on. Again. Work gets done, we get taken closer and closer to the blocks, competitions coming up, training, meeting people. All in a day's work, they say.

Right, now to the main attention grabbing part of my entry!

You all will never believe me unless i produce some pictures, which you will find below, of what i'm about to say. Anyhow, today, i was having dinner at Kong Siak Rd in chinatown with my family, and along the road there's this hotel called "1929". Been there before, it's quite an upmarket, trendy place, with a fusion restaurant downstairs. Prices are not, by any means, "affordable". So anyway, i was waiting for my relatives to come, looking out for their car if they should come up the road, when i spot a Gallardo parked by the side of the hotel. Now, that's something you don't see everyday, so i decided to go up to it and take a picture. Then just as i was walking away from the other side of the road, suddenly, Mr Gallardo Owner waves to his friends who had just arrived in 3 other freakin' lamborghinis and an elise!!!! I was like, WTF!?!? I bet the owners were relishing every single moment of it as they stood waiting for more friends to come, standing by the roadside, getting their cars a good stare-down by pedestrians and loads of pictures taken. Not too long later, a last gallardo comes along with a 550i BMW. And so, with that said, total count of exotic cars: 5 Lamborghinis, 3 of which Gallardos, 1 Spyder, and 1 Murcielago, 1 Lotus Elise, and 1 BMW 550i. Holy crap.

Pictures all taken using my lousy nokia 6288, but i'm pretty sure the cars are bloody flashy enough for you to see.

Left to right, then foreground: Murcielago, Gallardo, Spyder, Gallardo, Elise, Gallardo

Man, this guy muz be feeling damn zibei when all of his friends all drive more exotic cars than him... XD

Blue Gallardo (i'd never imagine someone getting his gallardo painted this colour)

Close-up of left to right: Murcielago, Gallardo, Spyder, Gallardo (continues in next picture)

Close-up of left to right: Spyder (from previous picture), Gallardo, Elise

Once again, holy crap. What a way to end the week.

Annual fund-raising

2007-02-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

Yes, it's that time of the year again, when all teenagers go out to beg their relatives for red packets to back up their huge cash outflow during this period. From the way i see it, the only parties that profit from this whole deal are the shop owners, pulling out all the stops to get at our money. And actually, i'm quite guilty of spending too much this month... kena scammed by all sorts of things: council selling their stuff, dramafest, cip projects here and there, valentine's day... and so on, and so on, and so on. No end to it. Oh, that and food. Lots of it.

Heh, spent... oh wait, shan't say how much i spent on my vday gifts... =P But anyways, here's a picture of them as i got them ready for vday. The pic was taken at... 1.30 am i think. Slept at 2.40, after i finished the last bottle. Total count: 12 bottles, 12 toothpicks, 6 pieces of origami paper, 2 bags of decorative sand, and lots of love devoted. =D

Got meself a new phone too, in the past few days... nokia 6288. New number: 92300314 (in case people are blind enough not to notice my msn personal msg... -.-")

Been a long time since i've last blogged again... no time.

75 trainings left till nationals. Crap. Start working, people!

Cash outflow.

2007-02-07T00:06:00.000+08:00

Okay, you all can stop bugging me to pay up for this and that now, i have zero dollars in my wallet. Zero. Zilch. Nothing. Tad boleh. So right now, i'm actually gonna make use of the stuff i learn in macroecons and account for all the nonsense i spent my money on in the what, past week? It looks impossible that i spent a hundred dollars on things that happened last week, but apparently, i did. Geez, this is a perfect example of just broke, broke, broke. zzz.

I think in recent times, people have been pointing out how my blog's becoming more emo. And actually, i've given it some thought. For one, i'm somewhat inclined to think i'm actually emo in nature, at least some reasonable fraction of my character is devoted to the need to express myself and the fear of being misunderstood by people has led me to the formation of this emo side. This... fear of being misunderstood, defines my character to a certain extent i think. I worry often, that my behaviour, because of its erratic nature (yes, it is sometimes), leads to a wrong measure of my true identity, which as i have cause to believe, goes deeper than skin deep.

Which brings to mind another issue, where i wonder what's people's impression of me. What do they think of me? What kind of person do i appear in their eyes? I seem to be hearing the words "weird" and "sad" so often, i'm beginning to believe my behaviour and essentially, i'm at fault. Argh, this is getting a little hard to explain. I'm not the Mr. Popular some people are inclined to believe that i am, on the contrary, i feel shunned by acquaintances, and given blank stares, sometimes even dark looks, insomuch that it disturbs me to the core. Then the question pops out, "What the f*** is wrong with me?" And so i am just as confused and bothered by myself as everyone else, especially when i can still taste the vindictive acid of failure on my tongue.

But back to my spending habits, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm gonna be spending more moolah this weekend again! Going to Settler's cafe for JTS, and apparently it's in the clarke quay area, which means something along the lines of drinks and possibly even clubbing. Ughhhh, there goes my money... i hope i get a bigger angpow this cny. And shucks, i was hoping that i'd be able to use that money to get myself a new bag - need a big bag, which doesn't have a strap that runs its colour onto my clothes. -.-"

Work.... work... work. Need personal time pls. And time to go correct my head.

[Edit]: I updated my Links page. Blogs added and removed.

STJ '07!

2007-02-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

Yawnnnnn... *scratches side*

Really tired out yesterday, even with a short afternoon nap cut off abruptly by jeremy calling. In the morning i had training followed by lunch... then went home and promptly passed out over my bed, falling into a deep sleep in seconds. Then was woken up by... ummm, i just said it above. So i got up anyway and got ready for the STJ dinner.

STJ was ok i guess. Not that i'm discriminating against STP, but really, the enthusiasm exhibited during the dinner was so obvious that we were all suffocating from it. Sigh, it really makes you want to kill whoever's up there, deciding who's in who's class and so on. The PRC people were just... silent, throughout the entire during of the dinner, and only talked amongst themselves, or with the remotely-PRC people from my class. Disturbing is the word i'd use here, cos this is at least 5 times worse than the time when we had 05S33 as our senior class. At least the people in S33 were funky and were willing to come out of their comfort zones to talk to us. These guys were passive-reactive man... Heh, at least with still have the "real 07S6H" people.

Yeah, and zhong wei was man of the hour again, shooting loads of shots, solo, and group according to requests or catching people (like me), by surprise. Check out his photos on his photoblog here:

But here's a picture that i liked a lot. Introducing the Black Team! (i edited the photo to add in the words and margin.)

STJ down, JTS to go! I hope they do come up with it.

Ending off this post, some fantastic lines from Hitch. You know, the movie?

Let's toast to lying, stealing, cheating and drinking -
lie in the arms of your lover,
steal from the bad guys,
cheat death...
and drink to remember the good times.

Amen to that.

Busy with a capital B

2007-02-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

Ugh, it feels like the exam mood didn't turn off like it should at the start of the year, in fact, it feels like we're still on our way to yet another exam. We're piaing homework like there's no tomorrow, and have seemingly no time for anything else... and while i'm sure no one likes to live this way, we unfortunately, have no choice. The need to do good in the A's is overwhelming and the desperation is in everyone's eyes. I would like to blame the singapore education system, but heck, who am i trying to kid anyway?

Can't specifically pinpoint cause of emo period today. One contributing factor could be the way people are pushing my buttons when they come out and ask for a change in the class tee when they already agreed to the design and before this, pressurised me to get it printed in time for STJ. Secondly, i can't understand why it's just too hard to understand that i paid $20 for the deposit for the tees and now they still want my 20 bucks for the tee. "Pay the full 50 first, then claim back the 20 later." Hokaaaay.

Somewhere, i can't give up on it. I treasure the times we had, the conversations we had, the friendship, the sharing... but now that things are at a standstill, and even silence, i can't help getting the impression that everything before was a lie, and the bitterness thus follows. Maybe all i want is for everything to be ok again. Then again, maybe what i need is another chance - To be a protector, a shoulder to lean on, a confidante... the person who sheltered you from the rain.

22km of pain, sweat and revelation.

2007-01-28T21:19:00.000+08:00

Exactly what the title says. Today was pure pain, sweat and revelation as me and my partner made it through all 22km of paddling. National Canoe Marathon... oh how we hate the choppy waters of lower seletar reservoir, but we still do it year after year anyway. Heh. Got off to a bad start this year though, everything was so rushed, things happened in 15 mins intervals - 15 mins after getting off the buses, was the briefing, then 15 mins after that was the start of the marathon. And so... practically every single boat from hwachong started late. Except for shi hong's boat, which thankfully got at least a 5th for being at the start line just in time for the start.

1st round was nice, played catch-up a lot, and we really did catch up on a lot of the boats, me and bernard. But somehow, i think bernard cannot maintain, so we just lagged for the rest of the race... Shucks, should really have built a wave-breaker... as it was, the waves were really too much to handle without one. So now i have a nice set of blisters on my hands and cuts on my feet to boot. Well, at least some of our guys managed to get their hands on a medal.

Revelation of pain, truth and dreams.

终于看到了晴天。

2007-01-22T21:47:00.000+08:00

Well, i think that expressed my thoughts right now, so mind the chinese! haha.

Yeah, I think i'm beginning to finally feel the bonding with my class. Maybe it's cos we're all now committed into showing our unity, or at least putting up a strong front, for the junior class. Or maybe i haven't been spending enough time as i ought to with my own classmates. Well, whatever it is, it's past now. As i was walking home to get my training attire today, i felt really good, really high, really energetic and full of spirit as i've never felt before. And i knew it was definitely cos of that hour, brief, if not short, time i spent with my fellow lit people at the class bench as we waited for the rest to come out from chem lab. Shupeng, no matter how crass he might be, still can create some embarrassing moments for himself and get everyone laughing and forgetting how unsettling it can be for him to constantly mouth vulgarities in public. I'll talk more about what happened later that was so damn funny later... Weng Woh, somewhat not so outspoken, was unusually active today, which made for some funny dialogue around... Chen Hui, occasionally bemoaning the cruelty of fate, and Shuo, reacting to these exclamations... the result almost always ends in humour. As for Kah Leng, let's just say she's a good target for poking fun at. Heheh.

So anyway, as i promised, i was going to relate about what happened to Shup today. As we were bumming around at our class bench, shup, standing up, suddenly, out of the blue, started calling someone out as a f***er. We later realised that he was playing around with Lixi from 63, but at that time, no one could see who he was addressing his insults to, not even lixi himself, so everyone, in that area, which amounted to at least 20 j2s and 30 j1s, began turning in his direction with a puzzled look on their faces. Only when he realised his mistake, then he started to walk in lixi's direction. Now the punchline here came after that, when i started speaking to no one in particular (actually addressing everyone at our bench), "You know, saying that to a person is just fine and all, but when you do that for no reason in front of everyone, you're just asking for a beat-down, man..."

So yeah, it's times like this and experiences like this that enlighten and remind me of the essentials of school life - to have fun, to achieve something, to treasure friendship, to meet new people... and finally to graduate with fond memories. Those are what really matters at the end, but sometimes i get sidetracked by other things, something that really goes deeper, on the inside, that occasionally screams to be filled... it feels more like a void than anything there. But I try to control the side effects of the void, which i was doing fine till i screwed up. Now that i'm still haunted by the recent past, it's clouded my eyes, but now the clouds are parting, and for once, i begin to 想得开...

Work work.

2007-01-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

Man, the year's getting into full swing now, no time for any nonsense or any other crap, it's just plain working, and mugging, and revisioning, and training... Just thinking about it's givin' me a headache. Well, what to do? A dark foreboding shadow towers above us and we all know very well that it's make or break time when it comes to the A levels. Again, i'm calculating my odds at the subjects, and it looks like lit's gonna be like last yr; just need more practice in the skills, GP will be easy; given practice and reading up, maths will require loads of self-revision, same for physics, but more so for the latter. Econs... well, i'm gonna need help for this one, cos the tutor sucks.

"I have a dream!" Martin Luther King Jr. Indeed, i'm looking forward to the upcoming National Canoeing Marathon, it'll test our team's mettle, and it'll be a good indicator of how we're gonna perform during the national inter-schools this year, cos from wad i hear, it's gonna be in april, which means we get to retire early for our studies! Yay!

Any interesting events that happened recently? No, i dun recall any. Juniors came down for land and water trials, so from what i can see, we're gonna haf a pretty healthy batch of J1s this year. Now, it's time to ingrain some good old canoeist mentality into them; Kiat Tat:"Just zham!!!!!" (He was talking about having girlfriends.), Chong Sheng:"Just zham!!!!" (He was talking about girls... note, here he means to zham the girls, not in chasing them.), and Qibo:"Just zham!!!!" (Trying to persuade us to take all kinda of drugs, performance supplements.) Haha, ok, the above are actually examples of bad mentality from the seniors. Nono, it's time to teach them how to be fun and hip. How to live life as it is, and maybe how to survive these 2 years. (in which actually some of us aren't doing too well ourselves.)

Well, shoot. Just a few more months and we're outta here. Better leave that legacy before we do.

High and low

2007-01-17T23:01:00.000+08:00

I hope this isn't another one of those mid-study-life-crisis periods where i can't put myself out of the deep rut i've dug myself into. I laughed, i was silent, i was happy, i was sad, i was confused, and i thought about life as it was over the course of the whole day, and well, guess that's why i'm writing this now.

Life as we know it. Or so we think we know it. I used to think so, but now i'm not so sure. From what i can tell, the rules had changed since the last time i checked them and i believe that that was last year as we prepared to leave the honeymoon that was J1 and graduate to become seniors. No longer do we have our seniors to guide us and help us in surviving the life prescribed by our peers and our environment - they have their own battles to face in the oncoming months, army for the guys, university for the girls, either local or overseas. So now once again, i somehow get the distinct "guinea pig" feeling as the last time we were put in a situation to fend for ourselves with not much to work with from previous experiences passed down from our seniors. Ugh, and i cannot begin to communicate the inexplicably disturbed stirrings of worry as we fumble to deal with events and people that are entirely new to us. For one, I have no idea how to handle the juniors.

The juniors are, quite literally, anathema to us. They're like the "super kids" our teachers say we are, except on a higher level than us. Judging from previous batches of students, we could not have been prepared for a cohort of new hwachongians that were so enthusiastic about their school, the council's events, and their faculties that there has even been reports of hyper-escalated inter-faculty enmity amongst the juniors. They seem to have their loyalties laid out so clean and clear that you could almost see your own reflection on the sharp edges. Such fealties were and are unthinkable for our generation, and of the generations before. Yet another example of such zealousness was exhibited in the fact that the entire reading room was filled with 140 J1s climbing over each other trying to sign up for the Artemis dramafest item. My god, it's as bad as muslim extremists.

Yet to make fact even stranger than fiction, is my apparent inability to mix well with people from my own group, the J2s. I just don't get the vibe going like i do with my canoeists, and again, it's anathema to me... or at least it's cos i haven't quite found the answer yet, which i hope will present itself soon, else i'll have to painfully sit there and listen to people talk and pretend to understand them which is so not cool. Is it me, or something else? The lack of interesting things to say? The difference of interests? The difference in beliefs, morals, values? Dammit, what i'll give to know.

In terms of r/s, i know i'm screwed, but that doesn't mean i can't talk about it. I'll put it as succinctly as i can: I don't get it, why things happen the way they do. And what i don't get even more is, you can't even communicate normally like friends as you used to before things turned bad, yet a friend that you know, can still approach and connect in a way that you could've easily done before things turned bad! And all you want to do is just go back to the way things were before the screw-up, when they still worked out... like what was implied when the words "just friends" pops up anywhere, and the way other things happen after it never begins just leaves you frustrated. This goes beyond anything else... it's anger, (yes, anger. and frustration.) kept inside for some time now, and better to release now than later when things might become too explosive to clean up. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH. (ok, this sounds more like pissed...)

Maybe i'm weird cos i'm misunderstood. I deviate slightly from normal behaviour when it comes to some situations, but generally... no, i'm not that weird.

Sudden realisation

2007-01-15T00:59:00.000+08:00

It just came to me in a flash, how much this song appeals to me after all this time... It's the song Into the West on the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King soundtrack. It has this certain serenity to the music... the calm and peace and carefully constructed lyrics settle the stirrings of the heart and the release of everything into the sphere tt the song creates is something worth playing the song over and over again for. If anyone wants the entire lord of the rings album, just ask me.

Into the West

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
Dream - of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time

Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Okay, some games shudn't be turned into movies.

2007-01-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

Just got off the google-box from watching 2 movies: star wars 3, and doom. Was actually quite looking for to doom, but it all turned out to be one heck of a crappy show. On the other hand, u know tt "sian diao" feeling u get when u're watching a really predictable show? That was exactly how i felt when i watched star wars 3 again... for the third time i think. In fact, i rmb i was similarly sian diao when i watched it for the second time, cos the bloody plot was friggin dumb and predictable. I mean, anakin's gotta be the most emo person i've seen in the whole damn star wars universe. Geez, if he weren't a character, i would've given him many slaps about the head for being so dumb, he can't even tell who's evil: if someone like yoda seems more evil to u than someone like palpatine... then u've got one serious mental problem man.

Ok. Anyways i was watched sw3 cos i was waiting for doom to screen on HBO. Doom was waaaaaaaayyyy worse. The plot sucked, it was basically a ripoff from the Alien series, and the characters were waaaaay too predictable. Bang, bang, boom, boom and all that. Good guy gets superhuman strength at the end, becomes so damn good, he almost loses to the bad guy boss then wins anyway. Boooooooring. The guns weren't even fun either. The BFG was only shot twice, and it was just placed there in the movie to show how much of a retard dwayne "the rock" johnson can play as a character. Oh yeah, then they decide to do a part of the movie like the game, seeing the world thru the character's eyes, then can see the weapon being held up in front of u and all.... Bah, another worthless ploy to get ppl to watch. Seriously, it was done so badly, it made it look like some worthless primary sch video.

Enough of the movies, lousy ones really make me sick.

Ugh, forget it, too sian to blog anymore. gdnites!

Altered reality

2007-01-13T04:12:00.000+08:00

Just got home from a fren's place, watched X2 (like, for the 10th time) and saw 3. Saw was gd, the series still had tt kick to it all the way till the end. It's amazing, the genius of jigsaw, as he devised so many means of putting ppl to the test and how these ppl struggle to hold on. If u dun like the gore, at least u can appreciate the depiction of the true nature of humans as they desperately try to regain wad they took for granted. Behind jigsaw's demented games and his sadist side, there seems to lurk a deeper self, some awareness of sorts and a conscience. Despite of the explicit cruelty tt his games symbolise, he truly understands quite a bit abt the human psyche and affords his victims a choice, which actually puts him one step above a murderer. Well, not tt i'll be trying to emulate him, but despite everyone thinking he's a really psycho-bad-guy, he is after all, more than human in the way he carries himself.

So i kinda left at wad, 3:30? On the way home, i dunno... i'm not under the effects of any drug or alcohol and yet, i felt different. Somehow the surroundings became more lively and vibrant after i put on my earphones and i could feel the beats of the songs resonating in me. For some reason, out of my own volition, i started dancing, or so i think i did. It really felt like my perception of reality was altered by the songs, though temporarily, it made me feel up and about. Some of the moves i did just came out from me without my knowing it, and when i noticed, i couldn't recall where i learned such moves from. Of course i guess it's cos the mind absorbs information and stores it all up, but really, i can't even recall absorbing such stuff, cos the moves felt technical. Well, maybe i can taught to dance. hehe.

Hah. More rain hitting this puny island and the reservoir's gonna be closed for today, tmr and monday. Bet it's so overflooded tt they're prolly considering expanding the reservoir. If so, excellent - more reservoir for everyone, which means less idiots in red boats banging about. Now tt's something to cheer for.

Right, gotta gym tmr. Better go sleep now... brr, it's cold.

Copying boon and wayne

2007-01-09T21:06:00.000+08:00

Looking and the stuff tt boon and wayne wrote for this, i decided, it'll be pretty fun doing this quiz, and maybe cos i'm in a whole different state of mind now moving on to JC2 and being more heck-care abt wad others think of me.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Uh oh. First question and i get the feeling i'm in trouble alr! ahahaha...
Ok, i'm pretty sure some of u know abt tt one thing no one else would've done before tt i did this yr, and i dun want it publicised, thankyouverymuch.
I guess... yeah, i got close to people of the opposite gender for the first time.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think i made any... prolly cos i was too caught up celebrating the new yr and forgetting abt making resolutions. Same with this yr, nothing set for myself cos i normally dun haf specific plans in mind.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Erm, boon? no la, haha.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no either.

5. What countries did you visit?
Cambodia. And... Cambodia. Oh yeah! OCIP Cambodia 2006! Best trip i ever had for a long long time. And very fulfilling too.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More control over a lot of things, or rather, self-control. I think i may be disturbed by many other things tt wad others would think is inconsequential to the piece of paper u get after sitting for the exams at the end of the year, but well, if not now, then when?

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
17th July. Breaking new grounds, me and eugene finally came thru and won the T2 500m title which had long eluded hwachong during our nationals! Actually i think it was the partying afterward, but hey, it's the seniors who made it all possible, so a big thank you for you!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting elected as vice-captain of canoeing, finally. I've always wanted to lead the team in the sport which we're all so passionate abt for a long long time, and now i finally get my break. Well, at least i hope my suggestions are taken more seriously now... hehe.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I believe this award goes to my academics as usual, being a total mess as usual. And my occasional inability to utter anything more than 2 syllables in a perfectly normal conversation wif people.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Both la, but illness i just heck-cared and went for training anyway, while injuries were aplenty and they were more cause for me to not go for trainings than illness. As of now, my back still hurts since the end of last yr...

Oh wait, i think many of the people i know say i suffer from mental retardation... I still am, u know? =D

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm gonna get all cheesy here and say tt there are some things money can't buy and i've gained. They were the best things ever: friendship, and brotherhood.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Firstly, the canoeists, for always being there when we needed each other, and for being the brothers i never had... cheers guys!
The seniors, for always being there and guiding us thru JC life, we couldn't haf done it wifout u guys!
And lastly, my confidantes, for keeping lips sealed ever so tightly and listening to me rant, rave, and ridiculing exceptionally idiosyncratic parts abt myself (yeah, self-poking.), thanks for being there.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Erm... I will sure kena whacking if i say the name... so wun say. Wish he'd change his attitude tho.
As for depressed... nvm.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, food, food.... food. And other stuff like drinks and gifts. Outings too. Also on people i really care abt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New experiences, losing it in a race and turning into a force to be feared on the race course, and... outings with the Brotherhood.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
I listen to so many songs, i dunno... oh, i know! Pimping Around the World and Magic Stick!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Both. I think JC has sobered me up to the more grim realities as well as added new experiences to a list tt remained quite stagnant during sec sch.
ii. thinner or fatter? Heh, this one's a no brainer. Fatter, duh. I think i put on a hell lot of weight cos of all the protein i took before comp. Now it's on/off, but i'm 72kg...
iii. richer or poorer? Unexpected spending caused me to be slightly poorer at the start of the yr but towards the end i managed it better. Figuratively tho, i'm definitely much richer for all the new experiences i experienced over the past yr, and i think i'll experience more as the yr goes on.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Study. I needed those grades for a H3, but well, fate loves to conspire against the good guys...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Acting rashly and listening to lousy advice cos i couldn't sift thru the gd ones and the really bad ones.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Hmmm, i spent this one in 2006 alone. How i will be spending it in 2007 is yet to be seen. I expect tho, it'll be the same again.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes. Twice. But both were painful and i care not to relate abt them.

22. Did you break any hearts?
Please, wif my kind of looks? No, duh. Don't even haf a single girl chasing me, break wad heart?

23. How many one-night stands?
Can be summarised in a single emoticon: -.-"

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch TV much, tho i think it's gotta be Jacky Wu's 2 variety shows.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is too great a word, and i prefer to think of it as temporary bad blood. Anyway, it's the person in qns no. 13. The first person mentioned.

26. What was the best book you read?
Flight of the Nighthawks by Raymond E. Feist, from the Darkwar Series. I read the second book Into a Dark Realm as well.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Guitar. That i was better at chords than most other people despite my lack of training.

28. What did you want and get?
My nationals' gold. Fighting for it was the intensely satisfying part and winning it in front of the other people made it all the more glorious.

29. What did you want and not get?
Nono. I'm not talking abt this.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pirates 2 sucked. And even more so for the Covenant.
Kudos here goes to The Prestige! IT ROCKED. period. Are you watching closely?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
17, duh. Getting lame presents from the seniors in the form of For Him magazines. Both me and shi hong got it cos same bday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Other than tt something, i think nothing else. My yr as it was, was alr more satisfying than i imagined it would be.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Sleek, bold, a bit daring... showing team pride.

34. What kept you sane?
Close friends, seniors, confidantes...

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No, i don't fancy celebrities. Who the hell wants to be embroiled in all those kinds of scandals, rumours and other whatnots!?!?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
MrBrown. And his constant reminder of the quirky little "jokes" our dear Big Brother always seems to leave behind... hehe.

37. Who did you miss?
The seniors, most of all, as they leave our sch and join up in the army and unis for the guys and girls respectively. They most probably would go their separate paths from now on, and it pains me to think of never seeing some of them again. Which actually teaches us to all the more treasure the times we had.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Well, basically everyone i've met qualifies here. Got a few exceptional ones i think.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Speak your mind, or u'll really regret it, cos it'll haunt u forever then.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
"Defiant to the end, we hear the call to...
[Chorus]
Carry on, we'll carry on,
And though you're dead and gone, your memory will carry on.
We'll carry on, we'll carry on,
And though you're broken and defeated, your weary widow will carry on."

'And so we carry on, in the name of our seniors, we salute you and gladly receive this mantle upon which we shall persevere and instruct our juniors as you had so kindly done for us, and hence carry on with this cycle of life. Long live hwachong. Long live the people behind the name.'

Letting it out

2007-01-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

After some deliberation, i think i'm ready to let this one out. Actually it's been on my DA account "scraps" section for some time now, but well, who actually goes there to check stuff?

I know wad u're thinking, and yes, i was motivated to suddenly sketch something out of the blue for a reason. But no, i'm not gonna say anything abt it. Those who r close to me aren't gonna tell u either, they're oath-bound not to.

I believe i entitled this on DA, "Images of Love", so i'll just stick to the same title here.

Here we go again.

2007-01-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

Well, one more yr to go and now it's all abt gathering steam to push forth again. Our work has alr been cut out for us, wif the teachers duly informing us of the schedule for this short but hectic yr and from the looks of it, it looks like it'll all happen within one breath and the next. 2 block tests, while not counted towards the A lvl (like duh), will prolly see loads of flash mugging from the entire j2 pop'n since everyone's anxious not to have a repeat of last yr when there were major screwups during a few of the exams (including myself for one, i screwed up big time during promos) and with the prelims early in the last quarter, oh yeah, u'll definitely see more ppl staying back later and later in sch.

As always wif every single yr, it always seems hard to settle down during the 1st quarter cos of all the hols, esp tt of cny, and now tt there's the GSS goin on, i think i'm gonna be spending a lot of time outside, prolly with classmates, teammates and my junior class... speaking of which, i'm sure i'm not the only one waiting impatiently for the classes to be set, and praying hard i dun get some bunch of losers/lamers for juniors. At least they wun haf to endure a senior class tt was full of nerds last yr.

Now tt we see each other in sch quite often again, i wonder wad things r gonna be like... just managed to chat wif her for a short 5 mins before other ppl started coming here and there... then i wonder if things r really the way they were before, somehow, it seems like... oh nvm. I wonder y i being so open nowadays. Guess JC has managed to get something out of me, prolly break down a wall or two somewhere deep down.

Now draw! Sketch like there's no tml!

Ah well, it's another year.

2007-01-01T19:18:00.000+08:00

Byebye 2006, hello 2007! Said goodbye to yesteryear last night with mao, shi hong, chengyi at the pan pacific hotel. Fantastic view of the fireworks in the service stairs, and wonderful party after tt, the ambiance at the pan pacific was feisty and well, very party-like, but we took the party to mao's hse where we gambled and played a lot of other games.

Well, firstly, i must say, the fireworks display was really excellent. Definitely not done by a singaporean team, cos judging from the fireworks display done by the singaporean team during the Singapore Fireworks Festival, a lot of the fireworks used were more complicated and looked better. Everyone did get into the festive mood though, as a lot of the hotel guests started appearing from their rooms and shouted at the top of their voices, wishing singapore and generally everyone a very happy new year for the year of 2007.

After waiting around for chongsheng and andy, we all squeezed into mao's uncle's mpv and headed over to mao's disgustingly humongous mansion. All i can say at this point is... mao is freakin' rich, dammit. So wad we did now was play alot of winning eleven, pool and foosball. Yes, mao has a pool table and foosball table, not to mention a 100" projection screen to watch movies on. Now pls tell me tt isn't rich.

The gambling turned out better than expected... i made off wif $15.30 in earnings after everything, when i started off wif $2.80, then lost everything and had to borrow an extra $2. So my earnings as stated, is after paying back the loan and getting back my initial funds. Got the hang of texas hold em' now. hehe.

Well, the new year awaits. Chiong arh!

In love with... a gym.

2006-12-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

Yeah ,u got tt right. On wednesday, 5 of us - wayne, boon, tim, kai han and me, we went down to the the brand-spanking-new SALT centre at the high sch side, and boy was it spanking! We got the keys to the new cardio room (tt one is for public use, weights room is for cca use only), and we were instantly wowed by the machines tt were in there. Even tho it isn't completely furnished yet, the equipment there was enuff to make any sportman drool man... 4 kayaking machines, 2 rowers, 8 treadmills... ooolala indeed! The kayaking machines are wonderful, they measure a lot of the things tt cannot be statistically measured when u're in the water and it'll definitely help in getting ppl to be interested in kayaking. On the other hand, it does feel a little weird. Now i can't wait for the gyms to be ready!

Hmmm... the weather isn't letting up, and everywhere's having problems cos of tt. Wad a great way to end the year. Flooding in sg, malaysia, earthquakes in taiwan, indonesia flooding as usual... snow in afghanistan or somewhere in the middle east, like wtf.

Sigh, i'm drawing, i'm writing a song, i'm lost in my thoughts. And i can't stop myself. Guess this is a sign i'm beginning to lose control. I just want to forget and move on, but somewhere, something is preventing me from doing so, making me brood more, think more abt it, feel sorry for myself, feel self-pity, feel sad. Some people i talk to can understand, some can't. Then again, i dun think i'm really getting wad i really want to say across. So somehow i feel lost in the fears, fears tt this illogical hanging on, doing things like i did before, all in the hope tt something which will not change, will change to wad i want, and in the process will make things worse. If i lose myself this way, i fear i may never be the person i'm supposed to be again. This is not what i'm supposed to be. It isn't right tt things be done this way. So indeed, sometimes i wish all this never happened. I should've kept my blurdy mouth shut and never done anything. Yet, i would've never gotten the answers i wanted. But i don't blame anyone... anyone but myself.

Merry X'mas y'all!

2006-12-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

Wishin' everyone a very Merry X'mas!

Which reminds me, anyone interested in going for the new year countdown at the esplanade? I bet ppl are gonna go there countdown there head over to a club or something and party the rest of it away...

As the new year slowly makes itself more and more present, certain things have resolved themselves and come to a close before the year's out. For one, it looks like i stand a pretty good chance of competing in the K class next yr as my coach continues on with his permutation of possible pairs in among the team. At this point, i think it's probably gonna be me and ryan, 500m. And yes! I think we shud be able to see an upgrade from tiger to stingray tml! woo hoo!

My academics have been left rotting away, but i think in this last week or so i'll prolly put in some time into fast piaing of hw and getting at least some of the topics revised... i don't want to have to end up bowing my head to the sch admin and give up on one of the subjects. With a half-half combi like mine, i forsee potential of science faculties in uni dwindling if i ever have to drop a sub. Anyway, my interest isn't there.

Other thought processes have reconfigured themselves... like priority setting and stimuli management. I think this yr had been a gd yr for me to learn many lessons. And though they were learnt thru the hard way, at least i learned something. So the experience gained definitely would go somewhere next yr and maybe a long way after tt.

Then again, maybe i've rediscovered the kind of healing tt religion offers. This morning i was dragged out of bed (i slept at 3.30 am today, came back frm wedding) then forced to go for Christmas Day mass at Church of St Mary in Bukit Batok. Somehow, for the longest time, i think i actually felt a sense of relief from things tt had been on my mind during this past yr. I guess i feel slightly better abt myself after tt and indeed, a bit of the festive cheer got into me. So then and there, i just forgot all abt my dislike of religion's subversive elements and went with the flow, coming out a hour later feeling slightly rejuvenated of sorts.

Well, i think tt last part partly came from some other things i noticed at church. Maybe my brain's rewired itself without me knowing, but i just can't help noticing couples, esp those young ones with children. I know i'm not exactly a big fan of small children, but somehow seeing tt they were happy with their children and feeling the warmth coming off them, whether or not there's the spirit of christmas in the air, seems to fill up something in me. So the more i observe them... the more a smile begins to grow and spread over my face and maybe, just maybe, i get a bit of tt warmth too. It's a gd feeling, perhaps something i felt once then forgot wad it felt like.

So i guess somewhere deep in us is the love for another fellow human being whether or not you know him/her or not as a brother/sister.

Now, if it were cold enough tt the rain were to freeze... heheh =D

Playing in the mud.

2006-12-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

Not a v gd day, today is. As the title partially suggests, yes, i was in the mud. Not playing however... i was pretty pissed rather than happy when i found myself back flat in the mud. So now i've got a v dirty set of training attire sitting in pails of detergent water in a bid to rid them of the remainder of the grass and mud still stuck to them after i hosed myself down. Oh right, i haven't even said why i was there in the first place. I cleverly went to do a last-minute burst in running back to the start point and decided to take a nice straight route, which unfortunately had a nice big patch of soft mud in between point A - myself, and point B - the end point. So genius nick steps off the concrete path, places one foot on the mud, exerts sprinting power, and whoooo! A picture perfect moment of nick the canoeist being a clumsy duck on land. Wonderful.

That pretty much concludes the rest of the day, cos all the interesting events were all over by then... except for the curry wok incident. Oh hohoho, boy, tt one gave us all stomachaches from laughing! As usual, resident lamer #1 Yan Long and resident lamer #2 were at it again. Apparently they exchanged tops in the college carpark, so yan long was wearing a red bull singlet and cheng yi was wearing yan long's tee after the exchange. Then for some reason still yet to be made known to the rest of us, tan long wanted his tee back... right when we were in curry wok. And he even asked cheng yi to strip with him at the same time in the restaurant! ahahaha XD Okay, tt isn't the best part yet. The best part comes when yan long strips off the singlet, and tim quickly snatched it away when cheng yi refused to strip in curry wok!!!! So yan long was sitting right in front of the curry wok glass shop front, half-naked! Boy, tt was like the wackiest thing we ever did so far in this period... Lucky we took pics. =D

Well, Christmas is coming, and i do hope everyone has someone else to spend it with! But nonetheless, a big MERRY X'MAS to everyone!

The weather ain't helping.

2006-12-19T17:35:00.000+08:00

Mistakes do repeat themselves and the people behind them never learn. I guess i now belong to that grp of ppl.

Last night i was perusing over the questions that keep floating across my mind. Questions become unknown uncontrollable factors in life, and the unknown always leads to doubts, suspicions, then fears. Paranoia doesn't take too long to set in after that. Indeed, i was dreading the answer to a few of the questions that plagued my mind last night. Yet as truths come to light, i'm not so sure i fear them anymore as less intimidating questions take the place of the previous few.

On the other hand, there is a fearful inevitability tt i can't get over.

I just pray time will make all things well again.

This weather is so not helping any of this.

A brief sojourn in a torn country

2006-12-17T01:13:00.001+08:00

It's been more than 2 weeks since i've last blogged. Wow, tt's a long time. Heh, much has happened in those 2 weeks tho... oh, and i noticed this is the 200th post on this blog! Nice.

My story begins where i last left off, which was on the 3rd of december. Between that date and the 8th, basically wad happened was my parents left for a vacation to Thailand, leaving the entire hse to me! (YESSS!) So well, i had some fun during that time, living on my own, cooking my own meals, having no one to answer to if i came home late... stuff like tt. Other than that, i was busy packing for OCIP Cambodia, which was on the 8th. Yeah, it's the long awaited "working" holiday that i was looking forward to... give me something nice to put down in my portfolio at the same time get to know new ppl... then there's always the new experiences. I got more than i bargained for, of course...

So anyway, had a lot of running around before the 8th, trying to get my act together... well, in the end i did, of course, so i got my ass down to changi airport at 0430 in the morning, which was way past the agreed time... -.-" So much for gd starts. Well, after tt it was pretty uneventful, but the trip in its entirety was one big chain of events just waiting to be unloaded onto us. I wrote a reflection journal like everyone else, so once i get it back from my teach, i'll blog abt it in further detail.

At least, there are a few things which i can say are untrue of cambodia, after coming back from the place... one, there are no landmines all over the place. Seriously, if the mines were tt rampant, we'd all haf lost a leg or arm by now. Two, there are no guns all over the place. Yes, i've seen a gun or two, but they don't hold foreigners at gunpoint at every corner... i think u need to haf a license or something before u can buy one. Three, the food's not all that exotic... if u've been to thailand, then they don't haf tt much new stuff tt u haven't seen or tried before. Their flavours are just slightly tweaked.

After many bus rides, one or two food poisoning cases, many mozzie bites and 2 plane trips, we're all finally back in Singapore, in one piece.

Right, it's extremely late now. Time to go slp.

My half-drunk adventure!

2006-12-03T23:09:00.000+08:00

Ahahaha, yeah, i was half-drunk last night after ingesting a 300ml glass worth of absolut. I was pretty aware of my surroundings, except that my perspective was quite skewed and i rmb laughing a lot and being more spastic than usual... okay... well, at least now i know the danger signs, like dizzyness and unnaturally huge capacity for laughing, i'll know when to stop before i go over the edge into full-drunkardness next time!

Ah, but last night was quite an adventure. After dinner, we all went to paradiz to play some lan and got quite pissed when the lan shop was quite screwy and ppl starting leaving halfway. Ended up having only 1 hour of lan, but boy was it crazy. Esp when u've got a half-drunk guy playing and shouting quite a bit while he was playing. Oh man, it was really hard to concentrate cos of the dizzyness and the sleepiness didn't help either.

After that, we went to play pool, just 8 ppl, and had some fun before... "OH SHIT! IT'S GONNA BE 12 SOON!" Then, "Ah heck, let's just play one more game..." And so we did.

So we left the pool place... at 12:15. -.-" Had to walk all the way to somerset cos 174m only goes past somerset unlike the day 174 which stops all the way frm paradiz. A nice long walk, catching up wif the people my world mostly revolved around, and opening ourselves to each other... Blood may be thicker than water, but i'll rather drink water thanks. So i'm hoping that as we grow older, we won't lose this brotherhood...

Someone confessed his something to us. We intend to keep it a secret. The first of the last, last of the first, all confidential canoeing secrets.

Dinner was fun as well, cos u gotta love the seniors. All preparing for prom night... all looking damn zai. I wish them well in everything, and the years to come! Hope they come back for reunions though.

Finally posted something on my DeviantArt after a long hiatus: iStrength+iFurious.

Well, tt's all folks! Wish i could spend more time wif someone... after ocip! =D

A festering melancholy.

2006-12-01T21:37:00.000+08:00

I don't know wad's bugging me now. It's another one of those immensely depressing periods where i can't put a finger to the reason behind it. I don't know if it's cos i'm getting a bit sian of the stuff tt i've been doin for awhile now or an opaque fog obscures my mind's eye, blocking out the light which would otherwise give me a clear view of the road ahead. I'm somewhat compelled to believe i'm suffering from some form of loneliness, my nights are getting longer and no one's around for me to keep company with...

Maybe i wish to hear that voice.

I'm not one to say things like this, but maybe i NEED that voice.

Or maybe, i'm just losing my mind.

- Still working on old matters. -

[Edit: 2251hrs]
I think i'm feeling much better after a call.

Another boring hectic week.

2006-11-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to say here i guess. It's just been another hectic week managing all the fundraising efforts. I think we've got something like 2k plus alr, and i think we haven't sold everything yet. *yawn* The initial excitement of being able to make profits of more than we initially expected is beginning to wear off and now i'm left with a very long list of orders and no idea what the inventories of the other groups are like. Well, things will sort themselves out sooner or later.

I seem to be getting some nagging feeling down the base of my neck.

I haven't gone out with people much these few days. Geez, i can't rmb when was the last time i actually went out somewhere with someone.... oh, except for tt time. Ah crap... tt's so blurdy long ago, haiz.

Got a long way to go for next year, but i guess since everyone's still out of shape, the timing i'm getting now is excusable.

Getting dull and monotonous. Need chilling in orchard. zzzz.

Bringing me to a faraway place...

2006-11-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

The strong, sharp taste of surreality jolted me into a faraway land as i listened to this song...

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Ages have past since every entry... >.<

2006-11-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

Wah, it's like i'm going MIA from my blog so blurdy often these few days... Ah well, it's hardly ever that i'm gonna get a holidays tt's so jam packed wif stuff such that i can't do much else. Every single week is filled to the brim with canoeing and OCIP tt i dun really have much time left. The remaining time is for me to pull my somehow non-existent grades back to an acceptable level so my parents and the school can get off my back after the early tests next yr. Then i can do my other commitments in peace.

Trainings are getting crazier everytime i go for alternate ones. It's like our coach is putting us on an exponential training curve that can only be described as the "meat grinder". This has gotta be worse, if not as bad as our competition routine this year. If this keeps up, you all will definitely see me doing 50-60 pullups at one go by the time march comes around next year! o_O

But since i've alr updated on the 17th, there's not much else left to say, cos nothing really fantastic happened, but one remarkable thing i discovered about our pain resistance again... On monday, i took my T2 again, with a new partner, my junior, and paddled for only like, 7km. Then after tt, i went for lunch, then walked home. Just as i stepped into the shower at home, i turned on the tap only to have myself screaming like a little girl for a whole 5 secs. Apparently, i had this abrasion on my right bum, the size of 2 50-cent coins, and throughout the whole time since i came out of the water till then, i totally DIDN'T NOTICE IT AT ALL. I'm pretty sure tt says volumes about canoeists' pain resistance. -.-"

Sigh, then there were some days tt were screwed up... kena accidentally daoed for one day, then today was cca leadership workshop where we did some SWOT chart... apparently it stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats, but for all i care, it's just a Stupid Waste Of Time. hah. Too bad tml still hafta go down. =(

Nvm, got meself a new pair of slippers! Having pangs of regret over not buying the other pair which had this design like a surfboard on one side, and a pic of a hot babe on the other! =P Okaaaayy, but nvm, this one tt i bought still rocks. Check out the Reef webbie, they have a pretty gd footwear line if u ask me.

Now need sleep. OCIP's gonna kill me one of these days...

Ages since i've blogged.

2006-11-17T21:15:00.000+08:00

Wahhh, it's been like ages since i've last blogged, been so caught up wif other things tt i totally forgot! Since last thursday huh? Looks like i've got a lot to blog about then.

Went for only two trainings this week, and i feel super slackkkk! This can't b gd, i think i 'm gonna die oncei get back into full swing, which is prolly gonna be next yr, considering all of these messy interruptions to my schedule, wad with ocip and other nonsense.

So anyways, on monday i had torque, artemis fac outing, after my trng, it was damn fun, prolly the most fun i had in a long, long, time. The movie was very lousy tho. I can't belif we all stupid stupid go and choose covenant... -.-" The serious lack of a plot has been poorly addressed by the producers and directors by just trying to make up for it using eye candy. Lots of it. -.-" Shan't say more, just... dun watch it. It'll prove to be the worst film decision u ever made.

Things were much much better after tt. Dinner was wonderful, the new fac dance was miles ahead of the previous one... mark and his lousy choice of things... =/ And the games were something worth remembering. Choosing fac prince and princess was similarly entertaining, and the results were... none the least expected. Everyone was expecting rong kang to win larhhh... then yong keong and charmaine won. Twist of the century.

Had another formal meeting for ocip. Nth much there. Just a very long... 6 hours... zzz.

Today was pure insanity. Vaccinations for ocip. Missed training. When with a great bunch of people to the TTSH travellers' clinic to get 3 jabs: Hep A, typhoid and influenza. It's not so much that the jabs themselves were intimidating, it's after u get the jabs tt the pain starts to seep in and really make itself known. Like even now, it's hurting still.

Watched the departed at wayne's place. Utter nonsense, the plot was lousy compared to infernal affairs, and using the f-word multiple times in one single dialogue consistently thruout the whole movie is a really bad way to score points with the audience. The ending, as much as it followed the real infernal affairs, was still crappy. All in all, tt was prolly the only martin scorese film tt i didn like. Muz be losing his touch. =(

Too tired to think of anything else. Sleeeeeep.

Blood, Sweat, Tears.

2006-11-09T17:43:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since i've done some writing, like free-writing tt kinda thing. Wayne's post just gave me something to write about.

---------------------

The distance from the pontoon to the 500-metre mark felt like an eternity to him. In the heat of the afternoon sun, all he could think about was his past years in canoeing. The laughter, the races, the brotherhood, the pain. It all seemed like it happened in that instant, then it faded to yesterday, the day before, last year...

100.

Entering Chinese High, faced with a choice: to take the tried and tested route, or follow his true calling, the one that the blood beneath his skin could resonate to. The mistress of fate spoke in his ear, whispering to him beautiul words that entranced him. Logic was undecided and ceased to exist. With such powerful forces at work, he finally answered the call, the one which he had felt was waiting for him ever since he had heard of its name: Canoeing.

200.

Training with almost complete strangers, not knowing his purpose, he strove to acheive whatever the day set for him. As the fighting became tougher, so did the bonds between the brothers become material. They were the fellowship, the brotherhood, the nine who were born in the heat of the flame, destined for greatness, to acheive and set milestones for others to follow. And they lent a helping hand to one another, lifting up when one fell, giving a boost when one couldn't reach, slapping another's back when he rose above the others. This was the ties that bind. The ties that bind.

300.

Victory. The very name resounded in his ears as its melodious anthem was repeated over and over again, till the sun had set and he had given himself to darkness that night. It was something, that he would not forget for a long time, and was something that he held on to above all else. If he would forget all that was his life, this would be the last.

400.

Failure is the mother of success. He who had tasted failure knows success. As he had failed, the team had failed, he had shed no tears. Though the opponent may have triumphed, and that the competition had been fair, he may yet stand upon his feet with honour and pay tribute to that which he had conceded to. For he knew, that one day, he and his brothers will rise once again, to fiercely look back into the eyes of his foes and conquer.

500.

He remembers all that has happened, and the future toys with him, offering his small glimpses. Brushing all things trivial aside, he honours his foes, joining them at his reserved lane, and focusing his memories, drawing his strength from them to fuel the flame burning in his very soul, in his eyes. There is a sudden rush of air, then nothing. The world is stilled for this very moment, when all is one and one is nothing. The calm before the storm, a storm where the fates collide. It is not before long...

The call. It beckons... He responds.

When actions do not necessitate reactions.

2006-11-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

Obviously as we all know, physics and Murphy's Law do not always hafta be correct. An action does not necessitate a reaction. Ok, this is just a starter, and having nothing to write about, i'm just gonna write more of my view of relationships. -.-"

It's just crossed my mind how most people take that rule for granted, that whatever you do has and equal and opposite reaction. I don't know why exactly i'm talking about this right now, but yeah. Maybe my subconscious is just reacting to some stimulus and tt's all i can think of right now.

It's funny how people always take the simplest thing such as being nice to another human being as having feelings for that certain individual of the opposite gender. This world is just simply too complicated for such things to happen. Even i'm beginning to challenge my own beliefs of the relationship mechanism. The bigger gears on the surface are just hiding a whole mass of smaller cogs and wheels underneath and apparently, the big ones don't run the show.

Of course, being nice to a person, i admit, has a certain hint of love involved, and without any doubt, if it's a friend of the opposite gender, that "love" involved is defnitely not platonic if not controlled by the other forces at work, like conscience, consciousness... And vice versa for those who are really in a relationship, i rmb hearing somewhere that most of the time, ur better half is often similar in character to ur parents and so u're attracted to him/her cos of that. Ah well, ain't it a beautiful thing, love?

Now, before i start spewing more crap, i'll blog about other stuff.

Yesterday i read that apparently, religion and science are both rational. Well, the arguments are quite good, but i still can't bring myself to believe that the belief in a omnipotent and divine being is logic and reason in itself, and that hence, religion has no need to be defined by any other reason to be rational. I'm not pure atheist, but the logic statements behind religion fail to appeal to me.

Heheh. Had a fun day yesterday, spent most of the day outside! Would love to do it again sometime soon! =D

Untitled.

2006-10-31T21:54:00.000+08:00

As the hols finally descend upon us, I shift uncomfortably in my sit as the sudden reminder that i need a holiday plan springs a not-entirely unwelcome surprise on me. Many other things also begin to make themselves known as they appear one by one from the deep recesses of my mind, financial concerns, academic concerns, administrative concerns, people concerns, trainings... the list goes on. And as these apparitions continue to emerge from the dark shroud of the drudgery of school, no longer there, i wonder, will i go into seclusion when the day is over, or will people choose to emerge from their holes to become the social species that we claim to be?

Was musing thus, on a bus on a rainy day. Watching the soft raindrops fall onto the window as i ran my errands. Rewind that by an hour or so, i was in school, doing my op rehearsal and had finished it, before checking to see if it was someone that i thought i saw. Indeed it was, and so were we, on a bus. Of course, some of the seniors i knew started getting shifty eyes here and there as we walked past, but hey, wad can i say? They're the seniors after all, haha.

Can't say that i hate my parents, but sometimes they can be a real pain in the a**. So with much due respect to mine and everyone else's, please stop bugging us on wad we're doing or other things that do not directly affect us? We love u and all, but we've got a rather tight show to run here and sometimes, u're forcing us into a dead end, so please be understanding and not try and reschedule our schedule? Danke. Oh, and i'm just saying this for someone else. hehe. =P

'Don't take too long to say,
"I love you" to the ones you love,
cause time has a habit of slipping away...'

Feelings that just refuse to let go.

2006-10-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

Finally decided to talk to my parents about the subject dropping matter, they weren too pleased wif it, as i expected, and i had to sit thru a whole session of irrelevant nagging before they finally drop the enormous bundle of burden on my shoulders, telling me "to think hard and make your own decisions, we're not gonna say anything, just that ur chances are goin to be much less with 4 h2..." That kind of... 风凉话 really gets on my nerves, esp when i'm asking for ur opinion and u give me a whole load of irrelevance and then decide not to give me ur opinion. Wah thanks man, somemore scold me for being irresponsible and not putting in enuff effort.

Then i went for The Prestige. Really good stuff, there's a lot of thot put into the production of this movie and the whole story including the diff twists and turns are brilliant. And the hidden msgs and stuff like that are nicely concealed, following the general theme of the whole movie, that it's all just one big magic trick. What i didn't like, was the crappy ending. Felt that the ending didn do justice to the characters and it was oso quite freaky to see... oh, shudn spoil movie yah? Just go watch it, it's a good movie. Many good literary devices and stuff liddat.

Scream was amusing. Tho i'm beginning to have a problem of trying to not let the movies get into my head. The movies where quite amusing tho. And so was the haunted maze, so all in all, i'd say that was a good halloween festival. Tho it didn't achieve wad it set out to do - not scary, but gd effort.

Another day, another set of thoughts.

2006-10-26T20:50:00.000+08:00

I hope i dun fall into the state where i live everyday on a day-to-day basis. Then my time will have absolutely no meaning to it. The importance of making full use of my time has been forcibly impressed on myself and many others during today's events and i think we shud be all the better for it. I seriously hope i dun get lousy grade for the blocks tt's coming up at the start of the new year, at the same time, i hope i can perfect my K strokes so that i can start work on whichever event i'll be placed in for next year.

Hmmm, i'm still stuck in a conundrum.

Deeply disturbed.

2006-10-22T23:21:00.000+08:00

As i recall from somewhere, this line.

"What if this world, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?"

How apt this is, for something that happened a minute or two before this post. The guy in charge of organising the class chalet, aka welfare manager, called a mass conversation, and it wasn't before long that he got frustrated and left the conversation. That isn't the main point tho. The main point is how he got so pissed that he left. Sure, he reacted badly to certain unwarranted comments, but the fact that certain individuals nonchalantly brushed aside the whole conversation by giving lame excuses then leaving without even getting a sense of wad had been discussed in the conversation. Indeed, if we can't even care about wad's goin on wif our class, wad more can we do for the people around us? Are we so full of ourselves and our own businesses that we can't put just a few seconds aside to do something simple as to show a fraction of concern for something that directly concerns us? Standing and staring, something we should all put some effort into learning someday.

Then there's this problem with singaporean drivers that i still can't quite place yet. I'm walking to the kerb of this road when my dad starts crossing. Quite sharp after dinner, i notice a car signalling left, which i assumed was cos he wanted to turn into the lane which we were crossing. So i shouted out to my dad, and he stepped backwards only to have the car not turn in at all and instead went straight to pick up someone by the corner. Wad's worse, the lorry behind, didn't signal at all and just turned into the lane. Whatthehell!?! So seriously, singaporean drivers really need a lesson on a very simple concept called "judgment call" before we all get really confused and get knocked down by some non-signalling vehicle. -.-"

And here's something i did over the past night and today. Enjoy.
[Edit: 24/10/2006 - i changed it slightly, and it looks much better i think.]
[2nd edit: 24/10/2006 - taken the pic off, cos i realized i need more amendments made.]

Update on previous list.

2006-10-20T22:13:00.001+08:00

Ok, u know the 1st 2 alr... now i just got another few items to add to that list.

First project - Complete a piece which i promised for a senior for a very long time alr.

Second project - Get cracking on the canoe marathon project which i intend to conduct next year.

Third project - Artemis OCIP Cambodia, sigh, i'm asst team leader T_T
Sigh, During yest's briefing, Mr Teo (Fac teach), carried out elections for the different positions in the team. And for the asst team leader, he wanted someone who wasn't from 63 and wasn a senior. The other non-63 guy had his post cut out for him as first aid guy liao, so... booo, no choice in the matter lorh, i'm the only non-63-67 guy there (-.-"). Yeah, so now i haf to start working wif cheng xian on the stuff for the trip, loads of prep, including the pre-trip fund building, has to be planned, prepared and carried out. Work work.

Fourth project - Canoeing team planning.
Now that the promos are over and everyone's gonna make it to next year, the exco gonna hafta start planning for the new year. We hafta think about the team's goals, team's identity, open house, recruitment, trainings, competitions, supplements (if anyone wants), team tee, team jersey, well, tt's a list. And we gotta collate a list of people leaving during the hols, so we all know who's not gonna be around when... then can figure out who's ponning for no good reason. =D

Okay, now tt that's done, i can start blogging about other things alr. Hmmm, seems like it has just come to my attn that more than a few people are reading my blog... haha, u're all welcome to read and comment, not that i'm comdemning it, i'm just talking abt it, tt's all... Oh, and dun bother abt the answers to my seemingly cryptic last lines, they're cryptic and mysterious, and they shall remain just that. Ha. Anyway, they're just meant to be my musings spoken out loud.

Was just musing with another like-minded individual yesterday... relationships today are so hasty and rushed such that neither party truly understands each other before the hand-holding takes place. Then the relationship just falls apart after a month or so, or worse, a week. Sharing my personal mantra a friend, has indeed, allowed me to reaffirm my faith in my beliefs and remind myself of the consequences of the aforementioned problem. Sounds very objective and cold, i know, but the saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy."

But of course, not all couples end that way, i do know of a few who have managed to maintain a relationship for a good, long time. Shan't name them here, but i know at least one person in each relationship as an acquaintance. Sometimes, i... nvm.

Destiny is a cruel mistress. And memory is a malicious tormentor.

Lazing around. Ugh.

2006-10-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

Sigh, i'm succumbing to the mind-numbing, delibitating disease, otherwise known as "holiday mode". This can't be good at all. Better start working on more useful things otherwise things will just get worse from this point on. Got a few projects suddenly springing into my mind as i'm writing this and similarly sudden is the realization that i actually planned to work on these projects after my papers. But alas, hard partying and a switched-on computer sitting at home are the bane of all people like me, eventually turning us into procrastinators and starting us off on the slippery slope.

First project - Complete a piece which i promised for a senior for a very long time alr.
This one has been lying around for ages, so long that it's collected dust and hovered in and out of the periphery of my memory. This shud've been completed millenia ago, before the promos, but ah, studying got in the way, which of course, turned out to be relatively futile.

Second project - Get cracking on the canoe marathon project which i intend to conduct next year.
Okay, this one's gonna be huge, so i better start working on it and contacting the relevant people. First, a team to work on it, second, the relevant authorities for permission, third, sponsors for the event, and finally, and helpers willing to get in on the spirit of charity and help out at this event for little or no pay (hopefully the latter, then can raise more money). I cannot really say anything else about this project, cos i only have a rough sketch of how it's gonna be, so i better get a team then sit down quick and figure out how to go about it fast. This one's slated for completion in prolly march 2007, if not, then april 2007.

Finally, gotta start working on next year's syllabus, otherwise i confirm die liao. I'm not even sure whether i'm gonna make it to next year, but if i do, it's gonna be a looooong year ahead, and i better get crackin' on my studies before canoeing starts interfering again. Dun care about being called a mugger anymore, to hell wif that crap.

I'm stuck with a conundrum. Ahhh.... nvm. I'll figure it out.

A week of nothing much.

2006-10-14T01:16:00.000+08:00

Yeah, it's been a week of "nothing much". Prep for PW is crappy as usual, now i'm shoving instructions down the throats of my grp mates, they had better comply otherwise, i might as well pack my bags up now and say: "ferget it, i'm goin to poly instead." With my current grades, i suddenly find myself using this post-promos time pondering about my own fate.

Open hse was okay i guess, too tired to immerse myself fully in it, but i think this year's one wasn as gd as i expected it to be. I guess it kinda dropped short of everyone's expectations, cos for the few students that actually showed up, they were immensely outnumbered by the JC ppl by at least 4 to one. Lousy attendance aside, they all looked damn nerdy. Geez, we're running a "high-class" JC here, not a "elitist" JC.

Too tired to blog anymore. sry for long-time-no-post.

Ugh, i screwed up.

2006-10-08T23:46:00.000+08:00

As an apology to who it might concern, i should not hav thrown that tantrum last friday. That was simply unforgivable as a sportsman of my calibre and a person of my age. Beyond any other reasons leading to that event, there is simply no reason why I, or anyone else in my position in any case, shud haf done such a thing. Man, i must've looked really bad then, and i think i'll never look the same ever again. But well, it's over, and wad else can i do except to take note of my mistakes and make sure that history doesn repeat itself? That's wad being human is all abt ain't it?

Everything's coming back into place again, life's settling down to nothingness as usual, and everyone's just doing their thing. Back to being guai kia and all, piaing PW before the clock runs out. I'm not quite sure i enjoyed the short break that i had over the past week into the weekend, cos somehow, i felt that i was missing something. Well, guess i've been feeling that for a long time now. Maybe the need to do something meaningful is kicking in again.

Should i share my thoughts on relationships again? Guess it's been a long time since i blogged about tt.

It's strange, how relationships work nowadays. The high school romances and junior college trysts all seem so superficial in the eyes of many adults, and i'm beginning to see a bit of the truth in this view. From my pov, it looks like everyone's always expecting so much out of a relationship. What i truly wonder is how long can the relevant parties in the relationship keep up this facade? It wun be long before the other sides of us reveal themselves, and we become the normal human beings we truly are. So, imho, shudn't we all just keep our expectations low? For me, i'll be happy as long as my better half is compatible with me.

Shud i ask her out? I think i should.

Questioning myself.

2006-10-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

For some reason to be yet made known to me, i get some long periods of melancholy from time to time, for the weirdest reasons (or so i think):

1) I should be feeling happy and cooperative when i was asked to sub out with a guy i subbed in with after 2 mins in a floorball game and the opposing team scored. I'm pretty sure anyone else would've just taken it at face value, people being concerned with the game and the way it's progressing, so it'll be best to cut back on the weakest link. But after that game ended with us losing 2-0, i didn't feel good at all. In fact, i think there might be a certain hint of pure outrage at the way my classmate treated me, telling me to sub out because my other classmate "was a better player". My thoughts at that point was like, 'Geez, i've only been on the court for 2 mins fer cryin' out loud!! And my hockeystick was totally knocked out of my hands, so what the hell do u want me to do!?!?' I felt real pissed that my overall performance was purely based on 2 minutes of gameplay which though it din't go well, it didn't mean the end all and be all of the game. But hell, now that i'm faced with another situation going thru my mind, i think this might be a big problem. Oh but anyway, yeah, i was feeling angry and everything afterward for some time.

2) Looking back at the way i play sports or any other competitive game for that matter, i won't say that the wins didn't feel good... no, of course they felt good, but i still look back and feel an immense pain gnawing away at my insides, and wad's left of my heart. I've been a hypocrite, biased ass, complete jerk when it comes to competitive games... Everytime i've won, i've celebrated to the max, sometimes even having fun at the expense of the losing party. But when it comes to losing, i think there have been more than once that i've been a sore loser. Maybe not in canoeing, but in other sports. And wad's worse, i feel a strong urge to win. Win, win, win. Some call it competitive nature, but i feel like a hypocrite for this strong desire to win. Not everything in life can be won, and when the mecenary part of that competitive nature kicks in, even when fate isn't on my side, i'll still become a complete ass. I even blame people for my own faults. I know i'm gonna start blaming things again, but i think this is very true, for every single one of us: I blame society, Singaporean society, for all its grade-chasing and social expectations, for this competitive spirit which it has instilled in all of us. I hope u can see where this is coming from.

Oh god, wad kind of a person haf i become???

Sigh, and i still feel like i'm being pushed to the edge by my parents. I have a bad feeling that one day someone or something is gonna trigger all of this bottled-up anger and stuff and i'm gonna do something hurtful and insensitive, perhaps even hurt someone physically. I've been that close to the brink before.

I need sleep. Staying awake for too long, making me think too much.

What goin thru my mind atm.

2006-10-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

Now that the real "break" is more or less in full swing, i guess it's really time to consider about plans for it. I know, we've been talking abt it since the start of promos mugging, but truthfully, it was all nato, and right now, i still dun see anything happening yet. People are still lazing at home, some lazing in other people's homes... gah. And just when i thought that this was the perfect time to get off our collective-lazy-asses, and breathe some fresh air. Geez, i really wonder what this society is bringing up, anti-social morons living in a dream world or what it truly claims, leaders of tomorrow? If we don't stay in touch with the world outside of the comfort of home, how can we even begin to relate to others in society?

Ahhh crap, ranting. Couldn't help myself.

Gotta get down to planning a lotta stuff this week - canoeing retreat, open house exhibition... now i'm supposedly in some year-book pub comm... why the hell am i in the year-book pub comm anyway!?!? I'm not a councillor... unless they randomly select people ba... So now, i gotta be in school on saturday, at 11am, in my full sch attire with a proper everything else. Argh, tt's the 2nd day of my canoeing retreat dammit! Bah, i'll just stayover, then rush home at 7-8 am, catch an hour of sleep, wake up, bathe, change then head for school. ARGH.

But anyway, more importantly, WHO WANTS TO WATCH MIAMI VICE?

In the meantime, i guess i'll just sleep in my jeans, hoping someone will be free enuff to go out with me.

One more day...

2006-10-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

Awww man, there's still one more day. Sian.

Can't decide on what to do tml, after my paper's over. Okay, i've got a lunch-meeting to discuss plans for our canoeing retreat, the location's pretty lousy tho. So either we come up with a damn good game plan, or everyone will sit around and balk. Which of course, the latter is not looked forward to.

Got me a new pair of running shoes yesterday. From Mustafa. Good stuff, asics, set my mum back by about 70 bucks, but after today's run, i'm pretty sure it's a 70 dollars well spent. The cushioning is oh-my-god-it's-too-heavenly-to-even-begin-with!! And well, actually that's all that matters in a pair running shoes. Cushioning. Probably the only thing that separates other kinds of shoes from running ones, well, maybe except for the shape and design. But anyhow, i took them out for a run today, running up the duchess hill. I must say, they felt lighter than most other running shoes i've worn and the ground shock-absoprtion is wonderful! Even running up the slope didn't feel too bad on my feet, tho my back and lower legs had something wholly different to say about tt...

Oops, i'm deviating, yeah, back to the plan for post-exams fun... hmm, i think a day or two spent walking around orchard road shud be in order, as well as catching miami vice, tt one has been waiting for too long. Oh yeah, i shud oso prolly come up with a proper plan to get the dog tags done for the seniors, cos as i'm typing rite now, i'm playing around with the sample dog tag that me and wayne got the other day, and it just occurred to me that it has been about 2 months since we did tt... so it's been lying around for a pretty long time alr.

Meanwhile, i shud compile a list of stuff to get yah? I need another new pair of shoes actually, this one's for casual, cos my old pair of converse sneakers is beginning to get a real dirty look that has been hanging around for some time, but i've only just begun to realise wad an eyesore it is. Shirts! I think i need more wearable shirts, my current selection of shirts are quite screwed except for my H&M shirts and maybe one or two others.

Ah but well, more importantly, i think i'm gonna spend more time hanging out with frens talking nonsense and stuff liddat. The exams period and the period before that has really thrown everyone into their own tiny worlds cut off from reality and i think it's time we all got together to get out of our own universes. I'm alr beginning to feel the stress of being cooped up with minimal friends contact, and it's turning into a black hole soon.

Okay, brain's not working right. nite all!

Jeers and cheers

2006-09-27T20:24:00.001+08:00

Alrrrighttt... 3 papers down, 2 more to go. Jeers and cheers all around. 4 days since my last blog feels like a loooong time. Felt like an eternity preparing for the promos, then realising that 'prepared' wasn enuff for it. Shuo and the rest were commenting today after the lit paper about how we wished there would be more time allocated to the paper, yet at the same time, there is the hope that the paper will end quicker so that we can put an end to this torment. It was rather poignant as we related this feeling of contraction to the promos, how we wished there could be more time to prepare for our papers and yet, still feel the need for the papers to end faster. Oh, how life toys with us like pawns. Heh, that sounded lit-ish enuff, lol.

My papers are screwed, so i can only hope for the best and pray hard i promote, tho i'm not exactly a strict follower of religion anymore. Heh, it's funny how i'm constantly reminded of something that i heard from believers of the faith before, or so i think... If i'm not wrong, someone once told me that those who do not believe in religion or do not have a god to pray to are ammoral or sth like tt. Hmm, i think i came under that category a long longg time ago, and look where i ended up now. I think my morals are in perfect order and prolly even more so than some of the people i know. If any part of me is immoral, i'm pretty sure it more like street-wise rather than evil immorality. That's prolly the same for a lot of people that i know. Those who dun have a religion or dun believe in it... they're pretty nice people, maybe just a little warped in their mode of thought. Yeah yeah, i believe in "innocent until proven guilty", "people are good by nature" and all of that.

Rambling now, and i blame it on my lousy humanities papers - GP, Econs, Lit.

Wahhhh, can't stop thinking abt the end of the promos, thinking about how i'm so gonna go out everyday and pon school... No la, not tt bad la, not in me to play truant. But i'm definitely gonna go do some shopping, i have a feeling i'm gonna be needing some new threads, my wardrobe is seriously outdated and so not in line with my current tastes and preferences. Hahah, i sound like some regular shopper, but no, i'm not, it's just tt i'm beginning to feel that my clothes are a little lacking at the current moment, after wearing the same stuff for like, years and years... So, shopping, and also, i gotta go get some people out of their blurdy homes to get some fresh air, catch a movie or two, and basically have loads of fun.

Yeah... those are nice thots, but now, gotta get back to physics mugging - grades before fun... sigh.

Can't stay cooped up

2006-09-23T23:47:00.000+08:00

Ugh, it's another saturday, spent at home. Totally couldn't stand myself being at home. The very thought of home seems to strike a chord along the lines of "prison". Guess that notion's been around for a v long time alr... Never liked being at home, there's always nothing to do at home excepy laze around, do work, or rot in front of the box. And today was an excellent example of why i really cannot stay at home.

Woke up at 7, brushed my teeth, blinked a few times at the mirror, then decided "to hell with consultation" and went back to bed. Woke again at 1130, ate lunch and tried to settle down for work. Ended up playing for 3 hours. Had a slight throbbing pain in the back of my head, like those times when i stayed at home for too long... not the first time i've had this and nothing is more irritating than having a headache and the very thought that i'm wasting my time.

Almost screamed my head off in the shower thinking about the way this is all going along. While it felt good releasing some of that pent-up steam, i didn't go all the way, shouting like some kind of madman... it felt strange, something that was out of character, out of shift. Geez, there's like some self-internalised prohibition placed on my feelings, feels like either i can't express them the way they ought to be express or they aren't coming out right. Either way, i wonder whether it's been the system or myself.

Then for some reason, all of a sudden i'm not interested in a lot of things. Now that's disillusionment setting in... Promos can't come quick enough, i'm burning out.

Oh god, there's crazier out there...

2006-09-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

By everything that's sane and good and light left in this world, i may probably forsake my 2nd home that is the reading room... Sure, there's loads of nice and funny people to hang out with in there, but when it comes to true studying i might need to join wayney at SIM. Seriously, tim was wacked beyond his usual limits and with tay next to him, i was suffering from the most extreme case of the chills and paranoia ever! Too many people around that place niaoing alr, so i really need to go somewhere where i can be free of distractions... or those people can move out. Not that i'm against it la, i dun endorse this course of action taken against my purely non-incriminating personal life, and neither do i discourage it, cos i really dun care wad others say in the end, as long as it doesn't affect the other aspects of my life directly, people are entitled to their own opinions and judgment of me as a person, and i'll continue living my life the way i see fit. Of course this post isn't something i'm writing to take out something on those buggers, i'm just reporting the daily events and my personal feelings the way they are.

Somehow this has got me wondering whether i should put wadever i put up here under another round of screenings before i actually publish stuff... Nah, just paranoia acting up. Can't be really bothered to put in the extra effort of thinking anyway.

Went for run again today. It was painful and tiring, but at least we were rewarded with the satisfaction of actually doing something worthwhile, exercising and maintaining our fitness level even in times like this when we have no trng at all. Actually the pain alone would've been satisfaction enough for me, cos PAIN IS GOOD! No seriously, i like pain from physical exertion. Okay, that sounded wrong enuff... (sado-maso o.O)

Like the previous run on monday, we ran up the stupid gay hill again. Basically it's this very grassy slope that spans 400m at the end of Duchess Ave, and has an average inclination of 45 degrees to the normal, hence earning it's more affectionately known name of "STUPID-GAY-@!#$-GODDAMNED HILL". Heheh. It's damn hard to climb the slope at the normal running speed and not stopping halfway thru, but i did it today! woo.

Time to sleep soon. G' nite all!

Knight of valour/Guardian angel

2006-09-18T22:56:00.000+08:00

Save Me - Remy Zero - Smallville OST

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

That was for all of the people who have been crying out for help recently and need saving from pre-promos stress! Promos is seriously wacky, everyone's all coming out of their disguises to show the true mugger within. I can't think of a single person who isn mugging at this moment in time. And i'm pretty sure that once the next 2 weeks are over and done with, we'll definitely be partying 9-5!

Hurh. Looks like it's my romantic side kicking in again... A romanticist before, a romanticist forever. The belief that everyone is gd before judgement will never be changed no matter wad. There are those who need the protection of those who can provide it and therefore it is the responsibility of those who can to do so. One thing u all can be sure of, i will not stand for oppression of any sort and crimes against the good of this world will not go unsuffered from justice's wrath.

Yet i'm somehow reminded of this quote as i think of the heroes of our time: "Are those not who need saving the most, those who have saved the most?" Not sure where i heard it from, but i'm sure u can tell wad it means.

Rambling again...

He seeks.
Born with a vessel similar in shape and size to others, he was just as cursed with the fiery flame burning within the deep recesses of that vessel.
Like many others, it is a flame that burns bright and long, yet it is found wanted.
And so the quest to find the missing piece is birthed, given life.
He does not know what it is searching for, only that without it, he will only end with self-consummation or withering and fading.
As he matures, it observes the other flames around and realises, it is the blue core, the heart and true heat of any flame that is missing.
Realisation shows him the duality of these flames and the flame grows stronger knowing that it has advanced a step closer to its ultimate goal.
Given purpose, he searches.
And so he seeks.

Multiple realities

2006-09-17T00:04:00.000+08:00

I wonder... abt the existence of multiple realities. How that there is a multiverse out there with different versions of reality each differing from one another slightly. And somehow there's a picture of that happening forming in my mind as i'm thinking about the paths ahead of me and the in the present. Choices. It's always abt the choices.

I've been asking myself lately, just wad do i really want out of a relationship. Reciprocation seems to come readily to the mind, yet i've been reminded rather recently by this survey tt some chinese/english mag carried out at school. Compatibility looks to be more impt now, and i truly wonder whether it's possible to in econs terms, make someone better off without making someone else worse off. Seems like what i'm truly afraid of is to hurt another person... which applies to everyone actually, i dun like to hurt other people's feelings because they dun hafta go thru the same painful experiences as i have. Not that i have many, but the fact in itself that i have experienced more than my share of these kind of things gives me the responsiblity of preventing others from the pain of having to go thru these painful things.

Well. Words dun come easily. Like, I...

Okay, now for the real countdown!

2006-09-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

[Mugger timer: 2 weeks.]

Okay, my bad, i just got hold of the promos timetable and officially from today onwards, it's a just a bare 2 weeks to the promos. Holy shit man, tt's 14 days! And i still feel really really stupid, as in the still-cannot-do-questions-stupid. So let's all not panic people, we're better able to do things when we're calm... deep breaths, deep breaths... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *panics*

It just occurred to me that maybe i am f***ed up as i thought i was. I BLAME IT ON PROMOS! WOO. There, random bits of my mind shouting at pure random moments in time.

So as i'm typing this out, i'm remembering the good times to get my mind off matters, mainly promos-related. Still remember on sunday as i was paddling at macritchie, there was this thunderstorm so everyone got onto the shore and then wayne was asking me, "Hey dude, got any water?" So i went, *gasp* "Look! Water!", pointing at the reservoir. lol!!! I mean like, dude, we're at a reservoir! There's bound to be water in the reservoir right??? Somemore drinkable at that. Nah, but i was laming around la...

Then i think i effectively managed to lame wayne, the self-styled king of lameness, and tim yap when we were gathered at wayne's bench for no particular reason. Wayne was going, "So wad's up for the afternoon?" I angled my body so that i could look at the sky from underneath the building then came back up and said, "Cloudy sky." woohoo! damn cold. Ah, i live for moments like this, when we can all just sit together and laugh till we die...

Looking at my new west zone colours award, i'm friggin pissed. 5 years of canoeing and all i get is some lousy zone colours? Where's the national colours? Blurdy stingy buggers at SSC. Other sports got so many national colours, some even 1st zone get alr... so, my new resolution: To master the K till i blast my way thru the national schools and earn myself a place at the national canoeing open championships. I WILL see myself in that competition. The event which i'm aiming for, K1 500. One way or another, none shall stand in my path when i'm done. =@ <-(Angry/meng/war-cry canoeist smiley face =P)

Oh yeah, i think i definitely screwed things up. But nvm, as the saying goes:

"Fate only favours those brave enough to try."

Shall never give up.

The Countdown.

2006-09-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

[Mugger timer: T minus 2 weeks.]

This is not good at all. Not good at all. Not entirely bad, but whoever said exams was fun and meaningful is an idiot. And if anyone tells me exams build character, they'll be having a fist shoved in their face. Oops, was tt a threat? Din't meant it to be one. =P

Was told of some incriminating stuff again today. About certain individuals whom i might know of... Nah, shan't say it here. Just amused, just amused.

Maybe we're all weird in one way or another. Guess it's all just a question of relativity, who's weirder than others, a social standard whom we can set our rules to judge others. I think i rank pretty high in that list, of weird people tt is. Heh, weird is good in a way i guess. Life wouldn't be any interesting if everyone conformed to social standards, and din do random stuff like, YAAAAAAFOOOOOOOOOO!!! Woo.

I think i'm beginning to understand myself, for all the fears i have, they all seem to be pre-emptive. It's like, even before the truth is revealed to me, the mind is already creating disastrous scenarios to freak me out, make me break out in a cold sweat and wonder, God, where art thou? Was once afraid of the dark, then it died away, leaving behind this space, which was then filled up by this fear of the urban environment and the dangers which it holds. Too many jap horror movies for me, heh.

On another issue, i wonder... why are things so different now yet so full of deja vu? I seem to be doing the same things again, and getting the same response again. Different persons, same reaction. Conclusion? Me being weird all over again? Man, i'm even beginning to realize that i'm very much like some other person... another misundertsood person, whom i'm quite guilty of misunderstanding as well. Beginning to realize that, somehow, our methods carry the same characteristics, and even share one or two character traits. God, life is freaky and irritating.

So all u ppl out there, wad's shakin'?

Sheepish.

2006-09-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

Ahaha, now i feel like an idiot. Seriously. Last night's blog post was super-emo of me, and it really fit the title of delusional. Well, as it turns out, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem and imagined fears are always greater than reality. Yet again, it's my flawed perspective of reality screwing me up again.

I still can't believe i allowed it to ruin my day, cos i'm feeling wholly different today. Shud've just followed a friend's advice: sleep on it.

Delusional.

2006-09-08T21:14:00.000+08:00

I can't help but think tt i'm beginning to turn delusional. Wayne blogged a few days ago abt romantic fantasies, and i can't shake the feeling that i'm one of those people who are suffering frm it.

I admit i'm a romantic, but it's not just romantic-romantic, but more like every sense of the word, i live in a idealised fanstatical world. I think i mentioned this before, tt in spite of the realization that the world isn black and white and that there's a multitude of characters out there in the world, i can't help but think that everyone in this world is good by nature and that everyone follows the rules.

Maybe this is when i start thinking too much, cos i highly suspect it is so. When i analyse the situation over and over again till things get distorted like hell and gets permanently imprinted on my mind till it gets proven wrong. I would love to think that the world is simple and that it's just me thinking too much, but the things tt are going on around me, i get the feeling that there's a whole lot more to the iceberg under the water.

There's something missing in my life and i can feel it, cos it feels like its been there for a very long time now. But the frustration and that god-awful downtrodden kicks in everytime i think i'm close, cos it's like some kind of omnipotence hitting me at that moment, suddenly offering me this insight of the invisible truths behind the facade and showing me how much of a jerk i am, so fallen from grace and the light that i can't see the way forward anymore, not even when i stop trying.

Then sometimes i get the feeling i'm forcing a lot on people, even more so for the people close to me, especially those close to the heart, family, canoeing buds, close friends.

And i think i'm beginning to make the same mistake again, forcing something on a friend. I dun want to destroy yet another beautiful relationship as it is, cos it really feels god-awful after first mistake. I just assumed too much then and got proven wrong, and now it's starting to look like it again. So now i'm wishing that things aren't so complicated and that everyone can just come out frm behind the screen and tell the full truth.

Sigh. As it is now, i feel like crap.

God knows why, but i feel real blue now. And there's this heart-wrenching feeling in my gut now.

Comparison

2006-09-07T00:09:00.000+08:00

"True victory is only when one has conquered himself" - Actually tt sounded like something that someone actually said in reality...

Anyhow, Boon requested tt his drawing be put up for the comparison... so here it is.

U can compare it to my previous one, but here i shall put up a new one which i did last night...

And this is a coloured version of that piece done in photoshop. Thought of last year's dragonboat colour scheme, and used it here.

Though i think i still need soph to do a better piece for me. >_<

Life as we know it.

2006-09-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

Been thinking of quotes to live life by and i just thought of one which is adapted from the "life in ur years" one...

"At the end of the waterfall, it's the stories that you can tell that matters."

Frm wad i can see, all of these quotes just make the "just zham" philosophy tt much easier to understand. As i'm beginning to realize once again, as i once did when i was in primary school, is that many things in life involve the taking of chances. No pain, no gain, as they once said.

But sadly, u can't just find out from people directly, wad they think of u, cos strangers dun even know u, friends won't tell u the whole truth, and enemies will never admit tt u're better than them till the end. Shucks, otherwise, a census of what the people around u think of u would be really useful.

Oh yeah, but then again, y shud one care abt other opinions wif the "just zham" philosophy?

Just came up with another shark today, i think this one looks better than the first design... argh, i really need soph's help on this one, i'm hopeless at this kinda thing... SOPH, HELP ME IF U'RE READING THIS!!! >_<

"Even the strongest muscle skips a beat sometimes."

A day of unadulterated slack.

2006-09-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

Okay, i just wasted the whole of today doing, nothing. Nothing at all. Well, at least i had math tution in the morning so i dun feel too bad...

Suddenly, around midday, i had inspiration hit me. I finally thot of something which could possibly be the theme of our new polo tee and possibly canoeing. I was thinking of nike's advertisement sometime back, the one with the golden scorpion against a black backdrop... then the word: predator. Was it nike? i dunno. Something like it la, but tt's not the point. So i discussed stuff wif a few ppl, and dropped scorpion for shark, which is more appropiate. Now i haf an idea, but i can't exactly seem to articulate it v well wif initial sketches... learning that it's not tt easy to sketch out this design, so looks i'm gonna hafta find soph for this... Now the idea is to have this fractal shark right, then with a canoeist somehow merging into it. Then we hav the word "predator" above it.

If u wanna take a look at my lousy sketches, here it is:

The fractal shark is the design on the left, then the one on the right is another idea i'm working on... but somehow, they all dun seem like wad i really want.

Ahhh well, at least i'm not feeling so gloomy anymore. Amazing wad pure slacking can do for ur mental health.

Random thots in my head

2006-09-02T23:40:00.000+08:00

I find myself talking abt random things tt r popping up in head now... nth to blog abt these days, everything's been dulled and turned into boring nonexistence by the onset of promos and for the seniors, prelims and A lvls. Then again, it's my penchant for not being able to rmb the day's most interesting events, which i often in which case would unconsciously leave to others to rmb for me. God, i resent my lack of memory power. Tis a gift and a curse, not being able to rmb unfortunate things and not being able to rmb the impt things at the same time... then the memories become locked in some deep dark recess in the depths of this mental abyss. But anyway, i'm not gonna talk abt the whole thing abt thought and the mind. Not today at least.

At the moment, the whole notion of a vizard is playing around in my mind. For those who hav no idea wad tt is, it's another word for mask, used in Shakespeare's Macbeth. I can see it everywhere, everyone has a mask on. Not becos they want to, but rather tt they have to. And i dun think i'm discounted from this argument. Everyone has things that they dun tell other people, and maybe i'm saying this cos i see it in others wad i see in myself. As i'm writing this, i first gotta say tt i'm quite bummed out after the whole of today and tt i can feel something weighing rather heavily on my heart. That's something tt u wun always get outta me, so dun take it for granted. Seems like i can't really tell anyone wad i'm truly thinking and feeling inside, like there's no real person i can truly trust with secrets, some of them quite dark... And to me it seems like others have secrets which they'll never tell me.

That was one sentiment which i've had for a long time actually, one tt i'd never expressed openly to anyone before.

ATM as well, i'm finding myself troubled by matters of the heart and mind which i'm hesitating to openly blog about. It's not so much the subject matter i'm concerned about, but rather the way people will take it. It's the knowledge that i know exactly how people will react to it which is why i'm so hesitant.

This heavy feeling on my heart still hasn't disappeared after writing thus far...

A happy teachers' day to everyone!

2006-09-01T11:27:00.000+08:00

Well, even if u're not a teacher, u can still hav loads of fun on teachers' day and the day before as well. As for me, i'm intending to mug for promos... sigh.

Nvm, i had my fun yesterday alr. Went out wif my ol' pri sch frens yesterday, and it was pretty cool. It's amazing how this bunch of frens has still managed to remain fren after all these years... It's been like wad, 4-5 years since we've been together as a class and yet we've still been having class gatherings and the like every yr. Just last year, we had a class chalet and got to know where everyone went after their past few yrs in sec sch.

Anyhow, met them all at our pri sch, this small bunch of 6 ppl going back to visit our alma mater and our teachers, esp our pri 6 teachers. A lot of people still haven't changed, tho some have, but they weren't around. Heard abt them frm the others. Struggling with life seems to be wad everyone's going thru at this point of time as the beginning of the end of the age of innocence dawns upon us. Before long, we'll all be in either in the army or out there completing our uni education and heading out there to get a job... I wonder how we're all gonna meet up then, or rather, whether we'll meet up at all or not.

Went bowling, then had our teacher 'blanja' us! Now muz blanja back! Man, i really suck at bowling... but we all had a good time talking abt our lives and all... tt's wad matters. tt's all that matters.

Act of God?

2006-08-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

It seems like something doesn't want me to play basketball during this period. There's almost always something happening to me everytime i play a game after school in the afternoon. Yesterday, i injured my injured finger. The previous week i injured more fingers, and i managed to get myself two big bumps - one of those afternoons, i was playing bball in my red and yellow jersey, when suddenly out of nowhere, I felt this weird stinging sensation, like some insect biting me. It was in the regions of my armpit, abt theres, and lo and behold, i looked down and saw a blurdy wasp or something!!! It was small and black, so i had no idea wad exactly it was... tt and the fact that it was actually biting me caused me to panic and start trying to get it off me. It bit me again on my right pinkie as i used my right hand to brush it away... Now i'm left with this incredibly itchy spot at my underarm area which itches when i touch it. Immune system sure takes hell of a long to get rid of whatever the insect injected into me as it bit me...

So anyway, back to my point about injuries during b-ball sessions, not tht i'm being a wuss or anything, but there's someone up there trying to stop me from playing. And his message is being made known to me with increasing clarity. Today has been the most obvious, it cannot get more obvious than this: Previously, i've never got hit by the ball so bad that i can get knocked out for more than 5 mins, but today was tt day. I got hit by the ball, TWICE in the FACE. Pain. Smack dead center of my mouth area, hitting my lower jaw and forcing me to snap my head backwards as the ball slammed like a tremendously heavy head-on punch. The first time was after PE when i was playing with the b-ballers and lawrence tried to pass the ball to me. Wasn't expecting it to be aimed at my face. The second time was after sch, when the ball was passed by some guy when i was playing wif my seniors. Each time it happened, because my head snapped backwards, i could feel the part of the spinal column which is in the neck jiggle about and hurting... thank god i have muscles in the neck area to soften the impact, otherwise who knows what implications might have arisen...

So actually, if its possible for such a thing to happen in a day, how can i not take it as an act of a divine being trying to stop me frm playing?

Sigh, abt a mth or so to promos. I'm beginning to freak out like the rest alr, cos i barely touched my physics, and my maths still has problems. Econs can be easily mugged, so i'm not too concerned abt tt one. Literature is all about themes and stuff, so if u can smoke and substantiate ur smoking, u can still make it with crapping. GP is 'nuff said, i mean like, how hard can it be to get at least a B3 for a course on English which is made more sophisticated?

And teachers' day! What a way to end the term man!

De-stressed!

2006-08-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

Okay, i dun really care that i said a few days ago that i was gonna stop basketball till after promos... cos it sure as hell feels good to move these muscles and be agile again! After a looong long day at sch, it feels damn good just to get out and work the upper body at the gym, followed by an incredibly funny game of bball. The crazy antics of wayne's class never ceases to amaze me for all its innundated violence and certain forms of dumbness... was well worth getting my previously injured fingers injured again. I doubt they'll heal fully anyway.

Been Talking to a lotta people today, And somehow i just Don't Know the Right Words to use in Expressing myself for who i am. Weird, i used to have this Feeling that i could be easily understood by others. Indeed, i'm beginning to believe when wayne said he Felt more like an actor than a real person in life.

Clarity of thought or roboticism?

2006-08-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

Well, it's quite late right now, and i'm kinda way past my sleeping hour... Currently, i'm running on caffeine power and a bit of will power to get me going now. PW's a SOB, but shan't rant abt it, i alr tormented wayne enuff wif it. lol

Mugging econs as i write this, trying my best to force my brain to process the information encoded in wayne's kindly given answers to the timed assignment. I wonder if i can really go into business faculty like this... my brain's able to process most of the basic information, but i can't see the evaluation of the information firsthand in my mind. tt's when i begin to question the true capability of my mind, cos if i can't come out wif my own judgement and evaluation of things, how am i to rise higher in the ranks of my own peers? Ah, but nvm, i need to stand on my own 2 feet. At least for humanities... my pride demands it, cos it's my stronger subjects, nvr been one for sciences.

At this point, there seems to be a weird clarity of thought. I seem to be sensing more than i would at this time. Prolly cos of the coffee, but then again, my mind doesn't seem to be moving much.

Shall i talk about uncertainty? I think i shall, since my tongue's loosened alr. Where exactly am i headed in my personal social life? How am i viewed in the eyes of others? Am i weird? I seem to be getting the impression from the tone of voice people are using when talking with me. I also get the same feeling from myself, my own actions seem alien and i feel like a dork for doing them, looking back in retrospect. Then again, do i lack people skills? Stuck in a guys' school for too long does things to u, and i've been exposed to extremes of behaviour from ppl. And then, i'm beginning to notice i'm always the one tt looks for people, not the other way round. Or maybe it's due to my flawed perception. I lose my head when talking to females of my age range, but have no problems talking to people older than me. Weird. I can't force myself to vibrate at the same frequency as some other people, but it also doesn seem to affect wif older people.

Okay, i'm losing myself now. Time to return to mugging. I'm restricted from speaking my mind fully cos of this innate need to keep personal life personal. God, i'm weird.

Some thots goin thru my head...

2006-08-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

Of recent times, i haven't really been thinking much - all this time, i've been going along with the flow, and just living every day, day by day, taking everything one step at a time. In economics terms, this would be the short run production period.

Have i really considered where i would like to end up abt 4 -5 yrs down the road? nope. And of late, tt has been worrying as i just found out more abt LSE frm the representative that came by our sch the other day. I'm really not going to get anywhere near there with my current performance and i believe tt unless i get a scholarship from one of the organizations out there, i'll never be able to afford that kind of place.

I'm not too sure why, but my melancholia doesn end there, unfortunately. My grades are in dire need to a revival and unless i do something really really good soon, i think i'm in imminent danger of not making it for the A lvls. This goes especially true for PW. I do wish the system would be fairer and use really random methods of selecting groups for us. This grouping by names is utter BS. Having yourself placed in a grp of slackers who dun meet deadlines and are lacking in project work competence is rather disheartening and frustrating. I think the problem is getting a resolution as i speak... Dun worry abt me.

On a personal lvl, i think i'm still somewhat confused. I used to think i could read ppl really really well, but of recent times, i really can't decipher wad people are goin on abt...

I feel lyk an emo kid now.

Ugh, dyin' here...

2006-08-24T21:20:00.000+08:00

Argh. Dunno y i'm feeling so sleepy so early at night these few days. Then when i'm in sch the next day, i'm feeling like crap even though for the first two or 3 lessons i seem awake and repeatedly trying to answer the teacher.

Ok, now i can't even finish this blog post. Bah.

I'm in a incredibly-pissed-at-the-whole-day kind of mood.

2006-08-21T20:25:00.000+08:00

Gotta love those Robinsons' adverts. Damn nice concept.

My post however, is gonna be quite full of pure and unadulterated ranting.

First up, i'm pissed because one of my classmates lost my box which i used to store the cheesecake, which i brought to school today. So much for trust, i thot she was trustworthy and responsible, but as things goes... if she can't even take care of bsic things like this box matter, i wonder... Never will i look at her the same way again.

Secondly, physics SPA. This time was apparently worse than the last, and i'm pretty sure i'm gonna flunk it, again. Had no idea that it could be any worse than the first one...

Thirdly, was gonna try and come up with my 2nd draft of EoM in sch today, but somehow i thot i had brought my article with me, since it was annotated and all, could hand it up in the same day... but no, i forgot. Turns out it was lying here on my desk. Bah. -.-"

Lastly, I'm really gonna quit bball for the next 2 months. If any of u see me at the bball courts, pls do remind me that i'm a temporary self-probation to prevent myself from causing unnecessary hurt and injury to myself cos of doing stupid things while playing. Fantastic way to start the week again. I think i sprained my left knee and i sprained another finger. I think this one wun swell.

As i was goin home, i was thinking to myself, "f***, f***, f***...... F***!!!! God, i hate mondays." and "One word to describe all of this: F***." I'm usually not tt vulgar, but this day has seriously got me in a bad mood and i'm now trying to think about tml and forget abt the crap tt's happened today. Well, at least i did manage to share my peach cheesecake with loads of people! ^_^

Should've blogged yesterday...

2006-08-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

If by now u haven yet heard of Master Joseph's Yoda imitation, this is how it goes:

"Treat, I can. Fight, you must!"
OMG! Joseph's actually Yoda in disguise!!! They probably hired him for Episode 3 or something, no wonder Yoda sounds like him, or rather he sounds like Yoda... Anyhow, that happened at curry wok on Saturday, when we suddenly had an impromptu invitation of Joseph to our team lunch. As usual, we were wif the girls and wolfed down massive amounts of rice... (Bobby's losing momentum! He only had as much rice as us!) Then suddenly, i think wayne or some of the others sitting at the same table as Joseph started begging him o give us a treat, which after a moment of thinking, he walked out of the place to go draw money from the bank. Whoa. Din know we could do that, haha. But well, i guess we kinda paid for a lot of things which he was also a part of, namely, the polo tee, post comp dinner and team "farewell" dinner for the snrs. Damn, shud've ordered curry fish head. lol.

Went home after that to bake cake!! Had help to bake the cake, otherwise would've killed myself in the process of baking... kept on worrying abt missing ingredients which already had been added, worrying abt those that i thot needed to be added, washing up... X( But at least we had a great time talking about loads of stuff and telling each other about incredibly funny stuff and incidents...

Right now, i'm almost reaching completion on my latest ipod piece! I just need to add in some stuff like the ipods and earphones...

Trying to make the switch to mozzie. tt's mozilla firefox, for those of u who dun know. Erm, only problem is, the dumb thing reads code very specifically and certain codes don't work on it... so i'm trying to find out what wrong with some parts of it, (cos the titles here somehow turn up differently than in ie) and thinking of a way to optimize the way it looks so that it can be viewed in both mozzie and ie.

Of iron and peaches.

2006-08-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

Pumpin' it up today! Haha... was in weights room after bball, doing weights while waiting to run (then afterward deciding to forget it cos it was too late liao). Hanging out with the guys has never been better anywhere (with the exception of the bball) court... Crackin' jokes, acting dumb, lifting heavy weights, challenging each other to do more reps, heavier weights. Best times of our lives. I sense a catchline coming on... The Hwachong Canoeing Team, of iron and steel! Ahaha, corny.

Started on a cheesecake today. Made the base for the cheesecake alr, and will continue with the filling tml... peaches... mmm. I forsee... peach cheese cake at the pull-up bars on monday... cheesecake... I think u get the hint.

So happy with myself, i figured out how to do the ipod effect much better, after observing the pictures they have on the ipod site, and tinkered around with the "adjustment layer" filters... Right now, working on a piece with regards to canoeing, might do addtional pieces if i hav the time, and if people do ask for dedications and send in their desired photos and stuff. Actually, pls do give me this kinda stuff to do, i really hate to go back to playing computer games to relax.

Gotta run.

2006-08-16T21:08:00.000+08:00

Wahaha, haven felt this motivated to run in a damn long time la... guess it must be that the girls apparently run more than we do... it's like, they can run to scgs and back in 50 mins... o.O I run 2 rounds around the school and i'm feeling like dead meat. Kena cramp in my lower legs. Don't care liao! Must do 30 min run training alr... longer distances, shorter time! New resolution for the year, next to the daily 16-matrix achievement and max pullups=50 goals...

CCA forum. It rocks. They finally got the hint that we want a new teacher in charge after much political correctedness and gentle equivocation. I really do hope we get a new in charge... Lok's getting waaaaayyyy too senile for our likes and he doesn give us any support (any useful support, tt is).

Checking my finger this morning... it's now purplish at certain places, at the second joint and on the inside. Feels better than monday or yesterday tho... it was purplish at the joint yesterday.

Last trng on saturday. Boo, tt sucks.

Wondering to myself: how am i gonna do this? Confusion in my head...

Fantastic way to start the week.

2006-08-14T20:57:00.000+08:00

Great, simply great. It never occured to me how one's week could start with such alertness and yet the first day can be one of great torture and dread. I'm so gonna hav a fantastic week with this lousy broken finger of mine la... ok, mebbe it's not broken, but it sure as hell is sprained. And it sure as hell hurts. As someone commented, "tt's like a pig's trotter compared to a chicken feet (referring to my other non-damaged pinkie) la!" So now, it's bandaged up in one big chilli ko-yok wrapped around the entire finger, and i tell you, this is not something for the faint-hearted. As i'm typing now, i have nice burning feeling as well as the pain so i am now in the state of what most people would term, "gg" or "good game". Painpainpain...

It's quite okay la actually, i've had worse before. Somehow it seems canoeists generally have a higher pain threshold than most people. It's like, we push ourselves so hard that when the pain hits us, it doesn't really hurt anymore. It's that last time i ran and then fell down... i just picked myself up and continued running. I think i prolly finished about another 3km before i came back to the starting point. At that point, something felt weird about my knee, so i looked down and saw a nice, big cut on the whole knee. If i'm not wrong, i said something to the effect of "Oh, I've got a cut of my knee. Okay, cool." It was a line that was almost emotionless and devoid of pain or surprise. Was pretty nonchalant about it all, in general.

Then there's the thing with wayne. He rocks, period. He was running nafpa 2.4k when he twisted his ankle after the 2nd round or something, as he told me. While most people at this juncture would've backed out and went to the teacher and requested for the test to be taken another day, he went beserk and said, "fk it." and continued to finish the rest of the run. And i thot i was the only crazy guy in the team. So in all, he ran 1.6km with a twisted ankle. Rocks. And guess what? He had to be carried back to the college section by two guys frm his class after the ran. Crazy bugger. That, and he still managed to get an A for that run. Like, o.O totally.

Learning more stuff abt the girls team. Beginning to see why some of the divides were created, and learning that the J1s aren't like the J2s. Was rather amused by the fact that they were actually reading blogs during the time before we even got to know them... haha, so if any of u are reading this, HI!!

A warm fuzzy feeling?

2006-08-11T22:58:00.000+08:00

Heh, i din exactly carry out my plan today, but i did skip physics tutorial. Went to play bball instead. Blurdy had to run all over the whole court cos i was playing left flank/defender position and no one else played defensive. Bah, I refuse to play full court games anymore. Esp when it involves Wayne's class. Crazy delinquents.

So after all that sweating, i went to cool down (duh, i'm not an idiot who strides into meetings smelling like food gone bad), and wen i was dry and all, went for the canoeing exco meeting.

Both teams showed up of course. Wasn't expecting anything less. I unofficially became the chairman of the session with the secretaries taking down the minutes. Blah blah blah, talked abt a lotta stuff... here, this, that, there, what, who, when, where, how... so on and so on and so on.

If i told u i din learn something abt the girls, i would be a total idiot. Of course i learned something. For one, despite certain differences, prolly due to gender and all, they're pretty much more or less the same as us, they run the team the same way, they think similarly and team dynamics is somewhat similar to ours... Quite amused at how we could talk about a lot of things quite freely, and even more amused when we shared the same opinions. Oh yeah, and did i mention? Nice and friendly. And quite willing to listen to us crap and talk about history and stuff. Yay, got us a keen audience to regale with tales of history of canoeing and other things.

So as i left the school, i can't help but get a good feeling abt this bunch of people... i think they're my kind of "wacky". =D

Livin' day by day

2006-08-10T22:12:00.000+08:00

Bah, day after day, i'm wasting my time not doing anything but slack or stone. And it gets real worrying when it's so close to the promos and i'm still doing nothing but slack and stone. The worst thing is i can't get myself into the studying mood... shitttt.

Forget it, i'm gonna pon some lessons tml to study on my own. I do nothing but stone during some tutorials and lectures are a total waste of time. And no, i no longer care abt the repurcussions.

National Day plans gone bust.

2006-08-08T21:25:00.000+08:00

Okay, actually i only had plans for tonight, but looks like the whole day went screwy. Well, at least i managed to play some pool.

Ahaha, i can't belif i was so dumb as to play cards right outside the fishtank... kena caught by PPC himself, then had to wait til 12 before i and my 3 other frens could get our ezlink cards. Sigh, then one guy had to go and attitude PPC, refuse to comply and show defiance by sipping his evidently empty drink, in the process getting himself into trouble. Quite uneventful cos of that. Oh, and Artemis won 3 out of 5 awards for the musical, including best musical. Finally we win something. Thank god this is like a total reversal of dramafest.

So, cos i had to wait for the proceedings to be long over, i went out wif shi hong, to eat lunch then pool. Heheh, it's been a long time since i've played pool and that can only mean one thing. My technique has improved. Actually luck played a big role today, but without technique, there can be no luck right? =D

Supposed to follow shi hong window shopping, cos his class girls wanted to do that, but they backstabbed us and decided to watch another movie. So we said, "Ah, screw it." and went home.

And now, i'm here, typing this super-uninteresting blog post. Nothing to blog abt really, my life's too dull... either that or i can't remember the exciting/funny/incredible things that happened in the day. Really, my memory is really bad...

Oh yeah, actually was supposed to have a stayover at one of my fren's house, watching movies and stuff, but that got cancelled as well. NnnnoooOOOOoooooo.......... T_T

Plans for the future

2006-08-06T22:21:00.000+08:00

Time to set into motion a few ideas which i've had so far, concerning team, studies and life in that order. My life has been way too chaotic for my own good, seriously. Can't help it tho, i'm chaotic by nature.

Concerning team, i've alr spoken wif wayne, so we're prolly gonna find a gd day where everyone's free after school for the 2 excos to sit down and hav a chat on the direction which our team is gonna take in the last few months of the year and then from there, decide on where to go for the new year. Obviously, there's gonna be some changes but for the bulk of it, it'll be pure brainstorming and generation of new plans on what the team's gonna do, how we're gonna better train and everything. First things first, we're prolly gonna plan out a new training schedule to better fit everyone's school/studies schedule, so that we dun haf clashes and trainings can be more efficient. There will be talk of a combined team outing, u can be sure of that... and i'm not ruling this out just yet, but we may be organising a team overseas trip to somewhere like NZ, just like the trip that was planned but never carried out last year. Prolly throw in some CIP or something to make the trip cheaper... And since the SALT centre gym will be ready by somewhere near the end of the year, i think i might just suggest combined land trainings. There's a lot more stuff like open house that needs to be discussed, so i wun be talking much more on this. Time to move on to the next topic.

Studies. Every student's most dreaded preoccupation. Wish i could do away with it, but... haiz. Not till after uni. For now, i think i'll be hanging around the study room on tuesdays and thursdays. Maybe even fridays after a good game of bball. Anyone keen to form a study group, pls sign up now. Or looks like i'll go make a canoeing study group.

Life. Can't do much about that one, seeing as to how i'm hopelessly inexperienced wif matters of the heart and dealing with people. And people like to hang out in their own groups anyway. I'm not the kind of guy everyone's dying to hang out with, tt i know. Go wif the flow. Just go with the flow. I'll just do what i do best, canoeing, and listening and observing.

Well. Seems quite steady.

Making plans.

2006-08-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

Wahaha, we shud haf more of these CCA briefing/meeting things... they give us, that is, the guys and the girls team heads a chance to get together formally and discuss things informally. Ahaha, tt sounded weird.

Well, we weren't exactly paying attn to the presentation, cos it's stuff that's really of no value to any of us. Please, it's either u dun know and dun care, or u know already and it's pointless to listen again. We all know there's only to be one solution to every single one of canoeing's problems: the replacement of a certain old-about-to-be-retired-ex-national-team-sailor-now-our-in-charge-pe teach. For the sake of my personal safety and the guarantee that i have still have a future, he shan't be named. Once u replace him wif another teacher (anyone is better than him, we dun care... he's the bottom line alr. =P), it'll solve all of our problems, including that of better funding, more administrative support, more leverage in the school... oh yeah, things will definitely be wayyyyy much better than that soon-to-be-senile-old fogey. humph.

Then with the topic of things like CIP and overseas trips brought up, we were rather encouraged and inspired to carry on with the plans which we had intended on working on, but failed to receive any support or funding initially. Well, actually not that for my case, but the NZ trip which we were supposed to have last year was one of those that got shot down cos of backstabbers at the last moment. Man, tt was soooo gonna have been fun if we went ahead with that... compared to the proposed plan by some fanatically zealous teacher to the whole idea of the "Hwa Chong Power" and "Hwa Chong Assumed Domination of Sports in the Past", which involved us getting sent to Thailand to hav fun or for pre-comp training with the atheletes over there. HELLO!?!? ARE U NUTS? Obviously he has totally no idea how strong the Thais are in the Asian sports arena. In terms of physical capabilities, China obivously ranks #1, and maybe India #2. Immediately after that, is Thailand. If u narrow the subjectivity to within the South East Asian region, then Thailand has gotta be the best. We're so screwedddddd.

Of course in course of all of this, there was the usual gossip, in which case, i'll keep my mouth shut. I intend, after all, to be able to see the next day's sunlight.

Alright, sleepy now. Another 16k to paddle tml...

Election speech, and my Vision.

2006-08-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

Okay, i'm not actually gonna type out my election speech here, but it's safe to say that it was rather pompous sounding and extremely humourous, given the setting, audience and occasion. Was supposed to win me the captain position, but i got the VICE capt position, so i'm happy. Now i'll strive for even greater heights when it comes to vices... =P

Okay, now that was so cold, i'm like... wait, look over there! It's a polar bear! Brrr.

Anyhow, now that i'm actually holding to some power unlike my high school days, i'm gonna make full use of it. Well, my ideas may sound lofty, but well, it truly is, my vision. To make canoeing history by winning back that bloody trophy. But before that, i'm gonna turn this stupid old system upside down and figure out how to reconcile the 2 teams. I mean, before now, the division's really visible... i hope that by next year, i won't even see the cracks.

However, i do hope my team does give me their full support... My ideas may sometimes sound strange and weird and improbable, but how would u know till u've tried it out? And my leadership capability will be no less than any leader, my confidence will not be shot down. Please, i've been a councillor in sec 3 and served the council as an advisor/supervisor, i'm not that lacking in that leadership department. If anything, i've probably got more experience in leading people in events than anyone else in the team. And in my opinion, experience is everything.

Well, on another thing, i've been working on a team desktop wallpaper with boon and so far it's turned out pretty okay i guess. Constructive criticisms would be highly appreciated... and without further ado, here it is:

A manner of existence.

2006-07-29T14:43:00.000+08:00

Boon has raised a rather interesting debate on his blog, and somehow i think it holds much merit. If anyone told me he was gonna be a psychologist later in life, i would've believed it. But for those who haven read it yet, he's basically recounting the discussion which he's had another guy from HP (Humanities Programme), someone we all fondly call fish. Anyhow, they were discussing about interpersonal relationships, more specifically, between the sexes. They both agree on pretty much the same points with some differences, and have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the distance between a man and a woman (okay, so it's a U2 song. so sue me.), it's a distance too big for anything to cross save for initiative from either side or a massive tear in the order of all things. Thus far, all has been rather true, from personal experience and personal beliefs. What i dun agree however, is that their judgement of their own character, believing themselves as those who will be left on the fringes of the dating society. Nay, boon. Nay. You'll find someone some day. There's always a significant other for everyone. It's whether u choose to embrace opportunities tt's the question.

Well, on another issue, last night the guys canoeing team all trooped over to boon's house where we had a heck of a time. And seriously, the seniors can't hold their liquor. -.-"

We had food, lots of it, and played mahjong and blackjack, in which i lost about $3.40 in the latter. Shucks, shud've been banker. The seniors were also laming about doing dubbing for tv programmes in the karaoke room, with yong xian taking the role of the guy and hong bin taking the role of the girl in the programmes. Damn lame la, but still funny.

JC life is too short to let go of. When you have the chance, just live in the moment and screw the rest.

Nick Ng over and out.

[Edit] I saw this incredibly poetic quote in one of the Sandman series of graphic novels... It was on a tombstone in the novel, but i modified it to be:"Be to my virtues very kind. Be to my faults a little blind." The rhyme is excellent, and for a duplet, the meaning behind the words is wonderful, even if it is the last farewell from the living to the dead.

Graduate as seniors, return as mentors.

2006-07-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

~~The brackets are just in case some people can't see the chinese words.~~

Anyhow, today, wayne, boon, shaun and me, we went back to the high school side to train our juniors. Our grand, grand, grand juniors, if you count grand being one year younger than your immediate juniors below you. We had agreed to help our previous coach train his new batch of sec 1s, whom he had trouble dealing with, being new to the whole canoeing experience and all.

We went there expecting a certain level or degree of fitness, having gone thru the training before their early nationals in april... but at the rate they're going, they might as well have been fresh from the primary schools. Zero experience in land training, zero experience in paddling (as i found out while i was paddling one day), and zero team spirit. Indeed, if u told me that secondary schools had a second intake after mid-years, i would've believed u, looking at this batch.

We made them do a circuit, which was relatively low intensive, seeing how many rounds they had to run and the number of pumping and crunches they had to do... it was way much less than wad we had at their age during our time. And yet, many were still struggling to even do 10 push-ups. Are things really that bad? Yes, apparently. I dun even remember being that small when i was in sec 1 back then. Not me, not anyone else in the team, for that matter. They all measure around wad, 150cm only? and i bet they at most will be 60kg, for the heaviest guy in the team. This so does not coincide wif the canoeist image. And where the hell are the naturally gifted ones like boon gan?

Some of them, thankfully, had the right attitude. Though that number can easily be counted using one hand. I guess no one's really given them a good talking-to before us, and i'm not even sure whether they truly listen to cher or not... I think we have to organise a lecturing session for the whole team sooner or later, or we're gonna hafta watch the degradation of C and B div while i'm still around in this school. And god forbid, we "can't" do anything about it.

So the four of us (at least three stayed thruout the whole training), made mental notes to improve on the next training and then we can officially take the juniors under our wing, making sure that they really improve in their overall and work their asses off to get that championship trophy next year. I so want a quadruple gold next year... i want it so badly i think i'll use a whip on the C div and even B div, if necessary.

The girls team though, seems to still have some problems in their performance, and i think next year will be their hardest year yet. With only 6 new members this year, one has to wonder how in the world will they manage to recruit enough people for their team next year... let's see, they'll still have T races i think, T1 1000, then the Ks, K1 1000/500, K2 1000/500, K4 500. So that makes... 22 people needed to make a full team. Ok, this is where i say gd luck.

Okay, no la, running for captain tml, cannot say tt kind of things. I forsee that the next captain to be voted in tml will hafta make the girls team his business as well, cos they're still part of the school, and if they lose, i think we oughta be ashamed of ourselves for not wanting to be associated with them just because they don't want to wif us when first approached. Sometimes, certain things in life just don't work two-ways, and even if it's a single-sided matter, it isn't always the best thing to do when you give up. Only when you've tried to the end, then you say, "I've tried my best." And even then, as Yoda would've put it, "Do or do not, there is no try." Sagely advice from a totally fictional character. How ironical is that?

On the other hand, i think we've treated them rather unfairly when we haven't really involved them in anything, never gone out with them, never talked to them, never discussed team matters with them except before nationals... There's a lot to dislike about certain aspects of their team, but i can't for the life of me see the reason why everyone chooses to ignore the fact that we're treating them less than girls, much less, hwachongians. I think we've treated them with less than they deserve and I believe that this has gotta stop. Another something on my agenda if i get elected as captain.

So, i'll just end off this nice long entry here... It's been a long time since i've blogged such a long entry... hahaha, wheee!!! =P

A funny feeling

2006-07-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

There seems to be something missing without canoeing trainings. The people i guess. There's like some need or want to work out that i can't help but feel like staying in school long after lessons hav ended.

Anyway, the girls hav suggested that we hav a combined outing on saturday. WTF was the immediate answer. Heh, this shud be interesting to watch.

Now i know...

2006-07-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

Why i hate coming home so much.

This is more or less what happens whenever i get home from school. I walk thru the door, receive questioning gazes from my parents. They want to know why i'm late in coming home again. I tell them the same thing everyday and yet they still ask as if i came home late for the first time all over again. So i just stride into my room, dump my stuff, head for the shower. Removal of contacts comeplete, i jump out of my clothes and let the warm water wash over me, washing away the day. For one single moment of utter solitude and peace, i can finally manage to feel my soul being cleansed by the water, washing away all the marks and stains on my mind, leaving me wif a-not-so-unwelcome void. New clothes on, i have my dinner. Hell breaks loose.

Dinner can sometimes be as quiet as a church going through the sermon. And at other times, some kind of intelligence agency torture/interrogation session. They start their work on my drilling me for whatever info i may possess in my mind, prodding and poking me from all directions. Shessh, they even use techniques professionals would use... things like supposition, assumption, generalization, negative input. I feel like a Guantanamo Bay prisoner here. Treated the way i'm treated for the life i choose the live which is in total disparity with the outcome of my other lives.

Then boredom sets in, i sit at my computer wondering what to do. I dun feel like doing work. I dun feel like playing games. I dun feel like sleeping. Dun feel like anything. The agony of not doing something then start to close in on my mind from all sides, like the strangling grip of a workshop vice. I dun even see my friends online.

I need to scream sometime soon. I can feel existential pain building up behind this shallow veneer of calm.

I've lost a lot of drive... a lot of drive. Will this heart soon cease to function too?

I need to find that something. I need to pull myself out of this rut.

Burn-out

2006-07-19T22:15:00.000+08:00

Ugh. I've lost the drive to do a lot of things. And i'm feeling sleepy early at night for some reason. And i've got no motivation to continue this post.

Night all.

Post-comp

2006-07-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

Ah well. Things din quite turn out as expected. But well, shit happens. Here's the lowdown: 7 out of 12 boats went into finals for hwachong. 8 for NJ. 9 for RJ. We went thru the last day, ending up wif a lousy 2nd place again cos we were underepresented in the 1000m races. We had 2 golds from the 500m races, but well, 2 out of 6 golds turned out to be not enuff. But nvm, there's always next year and we took home lots of wonderful memories from this year. Will miss seniors when they go, a great bunch of people, as i've mentioned before.

Looks like it's up to us now then. The new batch of seniors next year. We'll be leading the new team into 2007 and i hope that it'll be a glorious one, wif us bringing back the trophy. A whole new attitude change towards training would be in place, esp wif the juniors... i fear for the integrity of the team's unity wif the new J1s coming in next year, cos lots of them hav a serious attitude problem and seriously, if i'm elected capt or vice, and they try and attitude me, they'd better go find a new CCA, cos i will not stand for tardy behvaiour when it comes to taking trainings seriously. Let me just put that on the table first for everyone to see. Actually, i think that's the only thing that i'm gonna put on the table, cos i'm pretty fine wif everything else, except for organization problems, but i think that's the exco's problem, so it isn that big a prob.

Big plans for '07. Now i need everyone's support. The band of brothers. 9 brothers it has been, now, and forever.

That burnt smell.

2006-07-12T21:23:00.000+08:00

Oooh hey, is something burning in here or issit just me? I guess it must be that fire that's burning in me... In my eyes, in my veins, in my soul and spirit. There's so much fire burning within me, it looks as if hell isn that hot in comparison. There an inner demon that's what i'm giving in to, some source of unholy power that's feeding me with the strength to cut my foes down in the intense battle i've had today.

Friday: A day of reckoning.

Now: TIRED. NEED SLEEP. NITE ALL!

Focused.

2006-07-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

Man, i'm so focused these days on the nationals that's coming up, i can't think of anything else. Things just go in on one end and out the other and i'm falling asleep during classes more often... zzz. All i can think about is how i'm somehow hopefully gonna pull thru this nationals and clinch tt increasingly elusive gold. All i wanna do is just get out of school and head down to macritchie to paddle.

Hmmm, i guess that should speak tomes of why i shud be elected captain right? =P

9 days left to comp

2006-07-03T20:05:00.000+08:00

For some odd reason i don't have much confidence in my traning though i'm pretty sure i'll be getting a medal this time round. The colour's the one i still hav doubts about. Bronze or silver seems more likely than the glorious gold, but i don't think that'll stop me from fighting. Guess i still have that fighting spirit still left in me from chinese high. The system has unconsciously but surely worked its magic on me and i can safely say that most people out there are able to see the label on my side: Product of The Chinese High School.

Well, not that i'm saying it's a bad thing, but it's not all tt good either.

So as i was saying, it's only a short 9 days left to the natl's. tt makes... 195 hours, or 11,700 mins, or 702,000 secs left. I think that saying... "every second counts" should more or less apply suitably here. And of course i'm worried abt my boat's performance, but i think tt'll more or less fix itself in the next few days/trainings or so. No, i'm more worried about the team underperforming. Many still hav the attitude that it's joseph's fault for the screwed up trainings we've been getting, and indeed it's worrying if ppl dun hav the required confidence in themselves. Sports is not always abt ur physical and how u measure up to others in technique blah blah blah. U hafta build that confidence base before u can actually perform, and to me, i think it's mostly true. There was once, a year or two, where i underperformed. 2 years actually. And well, underperformed in my dictionary back then was not getting the gold, and maybe... it still is.

Anyhow, i din quite believe in myself and my training as much as i did in my sec 4 year, cos then i was still immature, and i had v little experience. abt 1 and a half yr of experience and tt was it. i was somehow in my mind, preparing myself to take the blow of not getting that elusive gold. When my time came to upgrade from a silver to a gold, somehow i felt drained and my body couldn't budge. Had to settle for a silver then. tt was in sec 2. lost by half a boat length. Well, there's always next year, i thought. i thought wrong. it was worse the next year. Didn't even get any placing. scored a point for my team. Worse feeling eva.

But well, i found my element in sec 4 and so here i am, continuing on my streak with this year. But this time, even if the trainings are shitty, morale with others is low, and ppl are playing mind games with us, i believe... in myself. And that huge wave that's gonna be left in my wake.

Frustration and givin' up on some things

2006-06-29T22:47:00.001+08:00

I'm still trying to calm myself down after having a dota game. V frustrating, that game... lost to a team of pro players which i foresaw even before the end came. I get the feeling that i've said more than a few hateful words in a heated exchange between my teammates at some point in the game, but then, i wasn exactly in the right state of mind. It seems as if the only thing i could think of was winning and winning alone, and i had totally forgotten about the more impt things in between. To say that i feel bad now for saying those hateful stuff during the game would be a total understatement. I feel horrible. And it's not been the only time i've done something like to someone else in or outside of a game...

One, i've called my better halves, also known as my teammates, by degoratory names before and while it's uncommon for guys to jokingly call each other that, i think i may have overdone it. The word "idiot" has been shouted one too many times, even at people who haven said one single name in return and have been compassionate with me at other times when i find myself in a deep well. My partner has endured similar treatment before and i think he's been rather tolerating by shrugging it off. Boon has always been there for me and others when we're in need of someone to talk to, someone who's calm and at one with the world without, and i'm guilty of calling him names once or twice... So here i offer an official and my most sincere apologies: I'm sorry for everything i've called my fellow teammates, who mean more than anyone else, as my friends and compatriots in this long and arduous fight against our rivals on our road to the nationals.

To my other friends outside of canoeing, i think i'm treating u guys the same way i treat everyone else: with occasional bouts of disrespect to the people u guys truly are and name-calling. For that i'm sorry and i apologize.

I've been desensitised by 4 long years of being in a single sex school and i've all but lost my true self in the process. The people i've been around has had a bad influence on me and i've willingly accepted all of it, unconscious of the change it has worked on me. I ask not for forgiveness, for i wonder whether i even deserve it. Cos for a long time now, i've considered myself as a non-hypocrite, practising wad i preach and preaching a lot to others, seeing myself as the all glorifying symbol of proper conduct. Now as i think of it, to call myself a non-hypocrite would just be a total paradox, for i am as much a hypocrite as the word itself. At least in this aspect of respect thru non-name-calling, i find myself guilty. I've always thought that i never called people names. Now it doesn't seem so. I have much to improve on - myself.

My person is disturbed. When one option slowly fades into the background, one tries his best to think of ways to not lose that opportunity. To grab at it and try to hold on to it so tight that it'll never leave u again. Then u realize, it's gone too long alreadi. It's too far away already. So u let go of whatever you have left to follow its source. Then u're left with this really big void. After awhile u don't notice it's there anymore and u go on living ur life. Then when ppl start bringing up that old topic again, u can't help but feel a little empty and frustrated. Frustrated at urself for being so useless. Frustrated at ppl poking at old wounds. Frustrated that they can't understand the situation. Then u realize it's just urself and then u give up. U just let people say what they want and you look out of the bus window trying to pass time and get ur head around things. U bring urself back to the real world by believing in urself and letting ppl approach u instead of the other way round. U've gone thru some crap so u figure this is the safer way, that u dun hurt urself in pursuing something that u carn hav.

I think i feel better now wif this load off my chest. Feeling sleepy too. Maybe i am shallow as my parents say... wad some people say too. Who's to love a shallow person? Who's the shallow but paranoid person able to trust in love and friendship? Forget it, i'm goin to slp. nite.

Some random crap i thot of

2006-06-26T21:16:00.000+08:00

U know how when u hang out with ur frens too much u tend to get really really loopy? Esp if those frens are really really loopy people too? And the longer u stay around that group in one sitting u start shooting off in different directions in ur mind? Yeah, i'm think it's starting to creep up on me, cos i just thot up of this random piece of crap... it's spoofed from that joke abt how maths is used to prove that "girls are evil". This time, it's CARS! I betcha din know tt cars r evil, so let me explain:

1) As u know, when u buy a car, u need to spend as much time as money on it:

CAR = TIME X MONEY

2) As they say, time is money. Hence,

CAR = MONEY X MONEY = MONEY^2

3) Finally, the saying goes that money is the root of all evil. Therefore,

CAR = (EVIL^-2)^2
CAR = EVIL!!!

Some random crap brought to you by a relatively loopy (at times) guy. Me.

Hmm, and oddly enuff, i din feel all that screwed for econs today. Could actually write something, which was kinda amazing, considering the nervousness heck care attitude i was adopting, which hung on a thin fine line before dropping into total hysterical pandemonium, before the test. Woo. Now i feel better. Much better.

End of hols.

2006-06-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

Sigh, finally, the hols are coming to an end. Am i sad? No. Am i happy? neither. I feel as tho i've wasted my time for the studies part, so i'm pretty screwed up for blocks now. As for canoeing, the june hols has helped a bit, tho not a lot. Was expecting a huge improvement in timings, but it all just turned out to be one big snore. Then again, looking at the other schs has been one big morale booster. -.-

Actually, truth be told, i still have no idea wad my future holds for me. Or rather, what i hold for my future. I hav no idea wad i'm gonna be doing in the far future, like which uni i'm goin to, what i'm going to study.... crap. No idea wad i'm gonna be doing for a living then.

And shit, what the hell am i doing for my personal life??? I've got nothing for 6 mths in hc. Bah.

A new template.

2006-06-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

A promise fulfilled. Another new template for my blog, as i change every year around this time. And yet another uneventful special day. Used to it anyway. Would've like to spend it with another special person, but ah well, u can't have everything in life.

As u can all see, there's no more music or devations section, cos the music has no host and the deviations aren't that good, so u can view them at DA instead. If i can get a host for the music, i'll definitely add it back. But for now, u guys can help me look for a server that'll allow swf files.

As for the rest, everything's still the same.

Hope you all like the change. Nick over and out.

Doesn't matter anymore.

2006-06-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

Hmm, it's that time of the year again. That one special day where the individuals celebrate their coming into this world. A general marker for everyone to point out the age of every individual. I guess some ppl celebrate it for others cos it marks the coming of a very special person, for if it weren't for that special day, that warm, firendly, gifted individual wouldn't be in this world. But for me, my own day doesn't really matter. Not anymore.

Used to look forward to this day, thinking of all the presents i would be getting, but since hitting that sudden leap in thinking, i dun realli bother with that day anymore. Or what comes along with it. I just feel that it's just another day on the calendar, nothing big, not like the celebration of a nation's birth or the significance of CNY. Just the day of the entrance of a 17 yr old, 17 years ago. Like it really matters to me. I'm just wad, 1 out of 4 mil Singaporeans, 1 out of 3 billion asians, 1 out of 8 billion terrans. The significance of this one person's entrance into the arena is lost in the numbers. It ain't a big thing to celebrate, so i dun bother with asking for presents and people to celebrate it wif me, cause i'm happy the way i am and i dun really need anything else. And actually, if i wanted anything else, they're all intangible stuff, so tt's impossible to ask for, like asking for the sun shine for those who needs it and the rain to fall for the ppl suffering frm drought... it has to come naturally and cannot be forced. So why bother?

Of course, if it's another person's day, tt's a diff thing. If it's a loved one's day, even more different. There's always a cause to celebrate... a friend who's always been there, someone whom u owe favours, family members... u love them unconditionally anyway, someone you hold close to your heart... whether she or he returns that warm fuzzy feeling, u'll do anything for him/her... I would definitely try my best to help make that day special. At least buy a present, tt's the least, if not helping to celebrate the day.

Well.

I dream a dream of warriors. Of adventure and victory. Of maidens and that one true love. Evil defeated then returning. A happy ending turning bad with the sad mourning of a hero... then the dream dissipates.

Night beckons.

Numbed

2006-06-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

Numb all feeling and take pleasure in the pain...

Time to count down the days to natl's, cos hwachong is on the road to that championship! I hope. I think it's just me, but i hav great optimism in our performance at the natl's and i'm still pretty sure that we'll come out tops. Now all i hafta do i get the other 17 other ppl to believe in that one mantra that other schs are just screwing wif us and that we're actually good in our own right and soon we'll see ourselves holding that trophy up in the air... yesss, i can see it already... oops, getting ahead of myself there. Shudn't be too complacent, heheh.

The demon or monster that lurks within is beginning to take over once again, though i'm not sure whether it's a bad thing. Pain is good, it constantly tells me, pushing me more and more towards becoming a crazy berserker in canoeing, drawing energy from pain to go even further. Anyone who's been around me lately can attest to that. On and off training.

It's also numbing my other feelings. I was somewhat curious abt the couple walking in front of me. They were talking to each other, quite friendly banter exchanged, from my point of view. They continued walking down the bridge to the bus stop, not quite noticing me, being more than 5 feet away from them. I squinted trying to get a clearer view of who the guy might be. Someone who's been around the other person for quite awhile, it seems. They continue talking at the bus stop till her bus comes and they wave farewell. I feel a slight poke from the green monster, then it goes away. I guess i was thinking too much, trying to figure out things, that i din get a lot of whack coming my way. She said something, others said something else before. Personally, i dun quite feel the same way as before anymore and i can't care less abt wad happens. Maybe it's been such a long time since i'm been in close proximity. Then again, maybe somewhere in my mind i'm still holding on to wad she said and believing in it. Well, the true test will come in a day's time, if she even bothers. If nothing happens, looks like some lines are gonna be cut.

Well, heading for bed now then. One last thing, i've already more or less come up with a new layout, just need to figure out how to do the menu the way i want it.

Gd night, my midnight rose. May u slumber in peace, for your guardian has been forsaken, but not yet lost.

A mad rush?

2006-06-19T00:46:00.000+08:00

Ugh, the hols are slowly but surely drawing to a close and i still haven studied much of my other subjects other than econs. Had a lot of other things to do during the hols and i can look back and say that at least i've slacked hard outisde of training. It just hasn't occurred to me yet that i might hav to sacrifice what i love for what i must do. Guess that'll come later, maybe next year.

Had dboat comp on saturday, did okay i think. We went into the finals but didn't win anything. Sad, cos we were actually quite gd in the qualifying rounds. So to destress, the team went for dinner at paradiz food court then whacked lan. Apparently i haven't gone too far down the slope in dota.

A month of non-contact with females... actually it's been a few weeks onli la, cos the wk which i attended EEC can't be counted. It's shown me that maybe, it aint so bad after all, without girls in my life. Can survive one, doesn't matter, u know. But i guess i still do think abt her frm time to time when i see her online... wondering wad's she doin right then, whether she's okay or not, wad's she thinking of then, whether or not she still rmbers things (like a certain day in abt 4 days time)... i wouldn't say that i crave for her attn, but i juz hope that she'll find something somewhere to show me that i'm still somewhere close to her. Hell, i still dun even noe whether she likes me back or not. But well, as long as my door's open, someday she'll walk thru it, so i continue hoping and praying in my heart that tt would materialize.

Sleepy now. But even in my repose i'll be your shield. Fiends in the night will do you no harm. And as you bloom, i will be there to watch over you. My midnight rose.

Rediscovery

2006-06-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Woke up early to drag my sleepy ass all the way to kallang to torture myself during dragonboat training. I't been my first training and in two days time we're goin for competition. Sheesh, i dunno y i even bother. But it's been a long time since i've last dboat-ed. tt was in sec 2, if i'm not wrong. It's tiring and all, but man, u gotta love the camaderie. Heh. Reminds me of those days back then. At least we tried back then, and got somewhere close to the finals, if i can rmb correctly.

Then again, i'm rediscovering music that i've got stored away in one of those old, dusty folders in my computer... As i'm writing this, i'm listening to Journey's End (or so i think) from the LOTR: Return of the King OST. It one of those rare songs where u really feel the vibrance of the string orchestra being put to good use in combination wif a strong soprano. Another nice song that i'm a sucker for is Enya's Only Time. Love the choir singing along with Enya, who has a really smooth and melodious voice. Heh, for those who know me, this must come across as weird... cos i listen to a wide range of songs... from certain metal to rock to pop to indie to many many others. Well, all the more shows my wide range of tastes in music.

But abit sian larz, can't focus on getting my act together. Seems like a lot of my time eaten up by comp prep and other stuff, i barely hav time, energy or interest to pick up my books and do proper studying. Abit sian of hearing gossip here and there as well, i dunno why i'm interested in it, but i'm beginning to feel it's really invasive and has too much of an influence of how one judges another person. After all, these are just normal people like you and me, no need to go about judging them cos of the way they handle their relationships. We all have our own ways and sometimes the things we do aren't always the right thing to do. But nowadays, i really wonder what's the "right" thing to do anyway.

Bah, gotta go get more sleep. Nitez.

Time is short

2006-06-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

Sigh, how quickly the time passes when u're not making good use of it. So far, i've only covered 2 chapters of econs and nothing of the other subjects. So the feeling that i'm gonna get screwed during blocks is starting to creep up on me. Then again, so is the feeling that i'm gonna get screwed for nat'ls. Lately i haven been attending trng as regularly as i ought to be and somehow i can't seem to get into the mood of pushing myself harder and harder. Which shows that i really need a day or two at the gym - it's there where i really feel as if i'm pushing myself.

The hols are coming to a close and people are still in bad shape. I really hope everyone pulls together soon. >.<

I can't wait to get outta here.

2006-06-11T22:37:00.000+08:00

Seriously, u know. If it's not my parents nagging at me, it's my siblings. Fer the love of god, will everyone just shut up and let me live my own life? I know what's not e right thing to do, so just stop nagging me and imposing these useless and restrictive commands on me. There's a friggin clear line as to when u're giving healthy advice and rules and when u're imposing your goddamn bloody will on me. I'm not a kid anymore and i need to live my own life. If this doesn't stop, i'm gonna get real violent and seriously, u don't want to see me when i'm violent.

Ah, i'm sry. Needed to let some steam off.

My 1st day at EEC.

2006-06-08T23:36:00.001+08:00

Heh, it isn't the 1st day of EEC per se, tt was yesterday, and i didn't attend yesterday.

After going thru the discussion sessions and formulating our proposal paper and all, i'm beginning to think that our JC curriculum is actually full of crap. Sad to say that, but the JC path does not, i repeat, DOES NOT prepare u for the real world. In fact, i think the ppl at polys have a better shot at making big bucks out there than we do. The guy who was in my grp came frm... nanyang poly, if i'm not wrong. Anyhow, during the dicussions, we were sharing with each other wad our systems of grading people for project work and tests. So since he was the only one from poly, he basically represented the voice of the poly students in my grp. And boy, he was good. He was so good at presenting to us this image of poly, i'm beginning to regret going thru the IP system. The whole poly system looks like it's more rewarding in terms of giving you an education and teaching you the correct values and pushing you to learn abt how to survive out there in the real world. In fact, it looks like it's not just gearing you on "how to survive" but rather it looks like going thru the programme will allow u to laugh your head off by the time u're 30 or 35 and scream, "WOOHOO! RETIREMENT HERE I COME!"

I will not be satisfied with a decent paying job. TT's wad i 've decided for myself. There is no way in hell am i gonna settle down and work a 9 to 5 job and get something like 3k a month. Maybe i'll get a job like that just to pass the time as i plan on how exactly i'm gonna get those big bucks. At least it'll keep me occupied and cover the basic cost of living. Furthermore i'm expected to support my parents, so at least i'll be able to until i actually earn that 1st million. No, seriously - I'm aiming for at least 10 mil in my moolah vault before i decide, "tt's it, time to lay back and enjoy life." Then after resting for a year or two(actually not resting, i'll probably go join the nat'l canoeing team or something in my 20s to 30s.), i'll get back to brainstorming on what new business to go into. It's gonna be a lotta work, but i'm sure there's a lotta people out there willing to join me in my quest for the ultimate treasure cache right? I'm already taking names, so sign up now! =P

But before that, i really must think of how i'm gonna get thru these next few years. Scholarship or no scholarship? NUS, NTU or SMU or UWA? Pertinent questions which hav yet to be answered. Most probably the former for the 1st, though i doubt i'll be able to get one, and probably either one of the last two if i can't get wad i want for the first. More importantly though, is when i'm gonna settle down... u know, as in family and all? Yeah. See what happens then i guess. Prolly gonna happen maybe in my late 20s or early 30s.

Well, that's pretty much my life plan in the next part of my life. Subject to change without prior notice. Author reserves the right to make ammendments to any section of the plan and will not refund any "cheated feelings". Terms and conditions apply. =P

For what I believe.

2006-06-07T00:01:00.000+08:00

Had a lotta time to myself today. After canoeing, i was basically running all over the place doing stuff like settling things with the tshirt printer, returning the tix and posters to the concert com head at lido, then taking a look around isetan and pacific plaza to see if there's anything on sale... So, as the body rests, the mind wanders but never ceases to think.

You know how when u're single, it really gets on your nerves when day in day out people are gossiping about other people's relationships and all? Abt how so and so went out with so and so... how intimate they look, blah blah blah. It's interesting for awhile, oh yes, but after awhile when u realize when u've been left out of the game, u begin to feel sorry for yourself, get angry, and then the demon takes over.

So for what i believe, it's been a struggle to constantly remind myself and other people that no matter what happens, stand by your principles, cos destiny only rewards those who are true to their cause and do battle till the end of time. Guess that can be principle no.1

But being true to the cause sometimes isn't enuff. It oso means that one should serve one master and one master alone: she who has total dominion over your heart. She is the one godddess, the one princess, she who must be protected at all costs, where even one's soul shud be laid before the gaping maw of darkness for her salvation. For that, i believe in being the ultimate shield, her champion, her knight, taking the blows and asking for nothing in return.

Heh, and somehow in the moment when the demon took over through the festering wound in the heart and mind, the soul was consumed with anger and frustration and inevitably forgot the inexplicable miracle of love: the unconditional, never-ending provision of it. Yes, i'm beginning to remember, love is unconditional. Offering everything one has, but asking nothing in return, much less expecting anything. Just the feeling of being able to give your all to the person who holds the key to your heart... I've almost forgotten what tt's like.

Well. I think i better sign off before i become too much of an emo kid. hahaha XD

I feel whacked.

2006-06-04T18:56:00.000+08:00

Something's wrong wif me. I can feel it, but i can't exactly pinpoint it. Maybe i'm just whacked in the head. Maybe it's my childhood. But one thing is for sure, tt's tt i hav people issues... i think.

Since my childhood, i've never really had anyone to play with. Heck, i don't even rmb having frens for the early part, except for one good one, which i used to hang out a lot. Other than him (his name was Nicholas Leong, probably the name thing that brought us together.), and my kindergarten playmates, i don't rmb the names of anyone i've played with, not even their faces. Somehow, back then i just joined the group for one of two times without really making frens with anyone. Played their games, did some stuff and tt's abt it. That was when i was living in the Faber Hill estate (not mt faber area, this one is near clementi), and when i was 7 years old, i moved to bukit timah, a conclusion to the chapter that was my early childhood. It was an emotional period, built mainly around me, my parents and the maids whom i grew up with, and i had therefore minimal contact with anyone else. I dun think i mixed around with my sisters that much either back then, they were mugging for their o's and a's, hardly got to see them, much less talk or interact with them. I wasn't in their age group anyway, i doubt they would know how to deal with this sudden addition to the family anyway. I was their baby brother, but i was born in a totally different generation with totally different rules. A different ball game where they could hardly associate with the rules. Next, i move on to the rest of my primary school life and my life living in this estate, which by now, would be 9 years old.

If the previous chapter had been one of much solitude and impressions, this part would be even worse. Moving into this new estate, my family found ourselves suddenly thrown into a mini United Nations. Out of 40 units in this condo in the middle of tranquility and peace, 1 unit was chinese, 39 were inhabited by ang mohs of extremely different countries. Guess which family was the chinese one? It was a fun time, we got to know many nice people, being the ang mohs that they were, we celebrated holidays together and had a blast. Christmas was fun: everyone gathered and had a pot luck bbq, where we grilled steaks and sausages and had drinks and all... a banquet, in other words. We oso managed to acquaint ourselves with a few friends who later became family friends and maintained contact for awhile after their left Singapore to return to their home countries. But sadly though only a few of these families had children and i could hardly associate myself with them, being of different backgrounds and apparently, of different age and gender. For the first time, i begin to realize the gap that i was born in. I realized that i was born in a generation which was trapped in a void and that there was to be very few people in our age group. Taking a good look around me, i saw people older than me, by more than 7 years. And on my right, i have people who are waayyyy much younger than me. Indeed, a void. My environment has been such for much of my life, forcing me to grow up before my time. The lack of people in my age group hence then led to my mixing more with people older than me, more mature than me, giving me one biological command: to grow up and become mature like these people, so that i may be able to communicate with them on the same level. And hence at a time like that, the last bit of my childhood before transcending into teenagehood, it had an immense impact on me. I was forced to grow up before my time, and as a result, had a different experience of childhood from other children. I can't say that i didn't have a childhood at all, but i guess it's more like an altered one, though whether it's good or bad, i can't really tell. It's just that, i think i would've turned out differently if it had been different. Some would argue that children be allowed to live their childhood so that they may have a wholesome life, others would argue that they shud be exposed to the evils of the outside world early to build up resistance... Both arguments have their merits i guess.

That's it for my childhood, a bad mix of early maturing and a distinct lonliness for being the only one in this state. I didn't have much guidance i could relate to on going thru this process of life, so all i could do was respond to the repeated message of "GROW UP." It was harsh i guess, but what could i do? I was at an impressionable period of my life and took whatever came at me as the absolute truth, that whatever was happening was the right thing to happen, since i was alone, with no example to follow except those prescribed by those older than me. Now that i look back upon it, i wonder... did i really have a complete childhood or is that something missing coming back to haunt me now? Truthfully i don't know, till this day i guess i still believe that whatever happened then was the right path and i have no idea what would i be if things had been different.

Itchy and Scratchy

2006-06-03T22:54:00.000+08:00

Argh... been having one hell of a day today... For some reason, the insect bites i've gotten during the camp have not subsided even after today. No, i think it's gotten worse. It's damn itchy and i can't do shyt abt it. tt really cheeses me off. ARGH. It's just plain irritating. In fact, the undersides of my theighs now look like some kind of war zone.

Went back for training today, had a good training. As usual, Joseph's pushing us again, making us do the crazy as hell programme, taking our endurance to the limit. Seriously, i shud start running so that i can build up my stamina. Anyhow, I do realize how much i'm gonna miss being in canoeing once i leave school next year, it'll be like a another chapter of my life closed.

Okay, i shud probably stop blogging now, cause i have totally no idea what the hell i'm talking about. Oh, but yeah, i'm damn happy now that my team polo tee's printed. Check out my display pic on msn!